Category Archives: Adam masturbates
Tearing down a non-race course is a lot like picking up all the wrapping paper after Christmas morning. It’s depressing to know you’re gonna have to wait a year before you get to do it again. This year, though, has been very different. One might even go so far as to say it’s been awesome.
A few days ago, I loaded up my pack and set out to tear down the Western half of the CAC2 Orienteering course. The following is my account of this truly badass day.
9 am: Woke up and checked to see if anyone I had invited was going to show up. No dice; this would be a solo venture.
10 am: Driving down Highway J, I see a bald eagle swoop down and pick up some roadkill. I nearly wrecked my truck watching it happen. This was surely a sign that today was going to be awesome.
12:05 pm: Parked the truck at the end of County Rd 354, hit the woods and started hiking North. I could already hear the water ripping down Cedar Creek. Before long, I was crossing a small feeder creek and started finding beaver chews. I love finding this kind of stuff.
About 20 minutes later, I arrive where the CP flag should be.. and it isn’t there. With CP flags being $9 a piece, this was disappointing, for sure. I decided to sit on the cliff and look around. Sure enough, I spotted the flag about 100 feet downhill from where it was originally placed.
After gathering the next two flags, I decided to slide down the hill and follow the creek Northward for a bit. I started noticing a bunch of Blue Heron cranes flying around, and when I stopped to watch them I realized I was in the middle of their nesting grounds. Blue Herons are known to make their nests in large Sycamore trees, so I sat under one and watched them fly in and out of their nests. It was very cool to watch these giant birds swooping around. They make the oddest sounds..
This was now uncharted territory along Cedar Creek, and since I’d forgotten to bring my map I wasn’t sure if I was still on public ground. The houses on the bluffs above would make me an easy target for someone wanting to shoot a tresspasser so I made my way into the wooded area away from the creek. Ascending the bluff, I found yet another clifftop with the most scenic view I’ve found to date. Check this photo out:
Getting to the top of that cliff was tricky; it’s overgrown with cedars and some kind of vines. But once I got there, I found a pretty cool slab of rock right at the edge where a person could sit and take in the view. Dangerous for sure, but a pretty awesome feeling to be that close to the edge.
I hung out there for a bit before heading back into the woods. When I cut back into the woodline, I noticed something below that demanded closer inspection:
The photo doesn’t do a good job of showing the steepness of the hill going down to the waterfall. I can assure you that it was at least mildly perilous. This is definitely one of my new favorite places.
This trip was just getting better and better. My plan had been to hike North along the creek until the second time it turned Northeast, then packraft my way back to the truck. I was almost sad when the creek turned, but I was super excited to get in the water. Making my way toward the water, I found this rock formation with a giant gorge in either side.
The terrain was too tricky to get a photo at the top, but I did snap this one from the bottom. If you look where I’m pointing, you’ll see two small caves at the base of the rock. I assume they connect in the middle, but we’ll have to verify that on an exploration trip very soon..
And now it was time for the fun part. I inflated my packraft and the $5 inflatable surfboard I was using for an inflatable floor. I put all of my stuff in a “waterproof” bag, (waterproof, my ass), and roped it to the back of the boat so it wouldn’t weigh me down. Then it was time for the fun part.
I found a nice calm pool where the water wasn’t moving too quickly and shoved off. At first, the water was relatively calm…almost relaxing. In several places, like the one pictured below, there are small trickles of water feeding the creek.
90% of the time, this creek is mostly dry. I’ve only ever seen it floatable after sustained heavy rains and/or flooding. And since the water level is never really constant, you just never know what the conditions will be like. Up until this point, there were very few strainers and only a small rapid or two.
The boat was doing well, my drybag was still floating and I had somehow managed to not drop my camera in the creek. I had no idea what time of day it was anymore, and that’s how I know I’m having a good day.
Little did I know the “drybag” was filling with water and all of my fresh clothes for after the float would be soaked. Coming around a bend in the creek, I could hear the rapids ahead and saw that I had to make a decision.
After that, things started happening a lot faster. A few quick rapids later I found myself dodging this little strainer.
I realize the video quality isnt the best, but you have to understand I was holding the camera in my mouth. By now I was full of confidence and ready for the next volley of rapids. This next video shows you why I bought a packraft in the first place. I’m sure these rapids would be no big deal in a whitewater kayak or maybe even a canoe, but in a small inflatable boat….excitement abounds.
I’m sure you could hear a *little bit* of fear in my voice on that one, but I assure you.. the fear was totally eclipsed by the excitement of that moment. Moments like those are the ones that make all your cares disappear. Your entire world is right there in the boat, there are no wandering thoughts of bills, careers or anything. All you think about is the spray in your face, the paddle in your hands and the ice cold water marinating your testicles….and I suppose you think about the friends you wish were there to share the experience.
I don’t think I’m being modest when I say the CAC2 has the best orienteering leg of any non-race we’ve ever put together. I can pretty much guarantee everyone, even the seasoned racers, will be impressed with what the CAC2 has to offer. And as much as I’d love to post photos of all the cool stuff you’ll see…I don’t want to ruin the surprise.
That’s a picture of my little brother on a “not so recent” CAC2 scouting mission. Despite the obvious badassery going on in this photo, I can assure you that the picture does absolutely no justice to either the coolness of the rock arch he stands upon, nor does it depict the deathplunge he would’ve experienced if he’d taken one step backward off of the rock. The CAC2 is supposed to be fun, but there are times when the CAC2 will demand your ultimate respect. Checkpoints have been placed in areas that showcase the land’s natural beauty, but also expose you to a bit of danger. This shit is serious business. (sometimes)
In that light, we’re going to require that you bring a bit of mandatory gear.
Individual Gear for the Entire Race:
- Backpack with at least 50 ounces of hydration (bladder, bottles, old Boy Scout canteen, whatever)
- Rain Jacket
- Blaze-orange vest or scarf or hat (anything blaze-orange) to keep hunters from shooting your ass
- Wool or Synthetic Stocking Cap
- Headlamp w/ fresh batteries
- Camera (not exactly mandatory, but we’d LOVE to see some photos of our CAC in action)
Individual Gear for the Bike Leg:
- Mountain Bike
- Rear-Facing Red Blinking Light
- Spare Tube
Team Gear for the Entire Race:
- Fully-Charged Cell Phone in waterproof container (make sure it’s charged!)
- Small First Aid Kit
- Iodine Tablets or other water treatment method
- Waterproof Map Case
Team Gear for the Bike Leg:
- Bike Tool
- Pump or Inflator
- Patch Kit
Other Stuff I would bring:
Lawn chair, beer, various forms of pork, a positive attitude, DOG SPRAY, wood splitter, WTFAR repellent, a change of clothes, some clean shoes, Mayonnaise and/or Ranch Dressing for Brian of WTFAR, toilet paper, sunscreen, camera, extra batteries, a blow-up doll for Adam, extra bbq sauce, lip balm, coffee, tent and sleeping bag, extra compass.
That should cover just about everything for now. Stay tuned for an update on the Gravel Grinder we’re doing on Sunday after the CAC2.
Good morning everyone, Bob Jenkins here, reporting to you via my new cell phone (gasps) regarding the status of CAC2, “The Second Coming”.
As one might expect, the recent snowfall has made course setup..interesting this year. Robby and I went out yesterday to hang our newly acquired and totally legit CP markers
Personally, I could not be more excited that we no longer have to walk thru the woods carrying lengths of pvc pipe to make orienteering flags.
Things are coming along nicely, and I have no doubt that this year’s course will be both fun and challenging.
Of note, we placed a flag yesterday that will likely pivotal to CAC victory. It’ll take some savvy navigating to find, and you could literally be standing on top of it and not even know. In fact, I’m completely open to putting a wager on whether or not Team WTFAR will ever locate it on their own with no help or GPS.
That right there is a natural rock arch. There’s no way Garrison is finding that thing.
In other news, a list of all required gear will be posted soon, and I hope you have some thorn-proof pants.
These days it seems like everybody’s too busy (or broke) to get out and race, and even when we do,we’re too busy afterwards to blog about it. With the recent shortage of quality posts, it occurs to me that our blog is quite idle. So while the following story isn’t my best work and doesn’t recount a race or something truly athletic..I think it’s worth talking about.
Due to a staffing issue in November/December, I was working just about everyday. So when I got a day off..I was going outside. On one such day, I was fortunate enough to have the same day off as my good friend Robby Brown, (aka The Darkness). This called for immediate action, so we made plans for an epic man-trip into the woods. Pretty exciting stuff if you ask me.
Prepping our gear at the trailhead, it was obvious that Robby had enough food and beer for the two of us.
These woods are mostly foreign to Robby, save for the portion we used at Cedar Cross last year. It was fun to show off some of the cool landmarks I’ve found over the last 2 years, like this man-eating sinkhole.
Hiking at a spirited pace, it took us about 40 minutes to reach the evening’s campsite. With an already-built fire ring and easy access to Cedar Creek, this is one of my favorite places to camp. We built the fire, emptied our beer cans and ate peanuts while the rest of the world dreaded going to work the next day. Many, many stories were told around the campfire and maybe even a few we should’ve kept to ourselves.
In honor of Luke’s absence, I took a “stream photo” of Robby. Don’t ask.
The beers were flowing like wine and our spirits were high:
Sitting next to the fire, the moon was so bright we didn’t even need headlights. The wind was non-existent, so the flames and smoke all went straight up; it was pretty awesome if I do say so.
Eventually we fell asleep,
and when morning came, it was to the tune of 2 well-deserved hangovers.
Hiking out, I showed Robby a few places that may or may not be part of the CAC2.
As we all know by now, the Cedar Creek trail is home to several trails that are not on the map. Typically, these trails begin and end at the same place, so when Robby and I got temporarily separated, (opposite sides of a creek), I told him to just keep hiking and eventually our paths would cross again.
As my trail ascended a large hill, his cut across a low-lying creekbed several hundred feet away and then branched left. By the time I realized I was on a trail completely foreign to me, Robby was nowhere to be seen.
The trail I had taken came to an end in someone’s driveway. Seriously. I spoke with a man who happened to be standing in his yard, and he sent me on my way to the truck. I was only off by a couple hundred yards, and while it was exciting to find a new trail, I was somewhat concerned that Robby might take a wrong turn and never be seen again.
I got to the truck first and waited for about 5 minutes before I let myself panic. Leaving my gear in the truck, i got a drink of water and started running the trail. About 2 miles later I still hadn’t found him. That meant he was either back at the truck or halfway to Boydsville. Not really good news either way. Since I don’t own a cell phone, I had no way of calling him….until I ran across a pair of horseback riders. I borrowed a phone from one of them and scrambled to the top of the nearest hilltop.
Me: Robby, hey where are you?
Robby: I’m sitting at the truck waiting on your ass.
So, I ‘spose I did a bit of unnecessary trail running, but it worked itself out in the end. Gotta love the Cedar Creek trail.
So, I just found out that it’s Adam’s birthday. I have no idea how old he is, but I’m sure he’s in a fancy restaurant right now singing Happy Birthday…to himself.
And while I’m unaware of Adam’s age, I’d like to honor this day with the naming of a rock face I recently found near Cedar Creek. Since it so closely resembles a giant dick, I find it only fitting that it be a named after a giant dick. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the “Laffoon Stone.”
And now I can look forward to CAC2, when I will place a control flag on top of the Laffoonstone and laugh as one by one, all our non-racers climb to the top of a penis-shaped rock.