Category Archives: Nonsense and Tomfoolery
In the darkness with “The Darkness”
These days it seems like everybody’s too busy (or broke) to get out and race, and even when we do,we’re too busy afterwards to blog about it. With the recent shortage of quality posts, it occurs to me that our blog is quite idle. So while the following story isn’t my best work and doesn’t recount a race or something truly athletic..I think it’s worth talking about.
Due to a staffing issue in November/December, I was working just about everyday. So when I got a day off..I was going outside. On one such day, I was fortunate enough to have the same day off as my good friend Robby Brown, (aka The Darkness). This called for immediate action, so we made plans for an epic man-trip into the woods. Pretty exciting stuff if you ask me.
Prepping our gear at the trailhead, it was obvious that Robby had enough food and beer for the two of us.
These woods are mostly foreign to Robby, save for the portion we used at Cedar Cross last year. It was fun to show off some of the cool landmarks I’ve found over the last 2 years, like this man-eating sinkhole.
Hiking at a spirited pace, it took us about 40 minutes to reach the evening’s campsite. With an already-built fire ring and easy access to Cedar Creek, this is one of my favorite places to camp. We built the fire, emptied our beer cans and ate peanuts while the rest of the world dreaded going to work the next day. Many, many stories were told around the campfire and maybe even a few we should’ve kept to ourselves.
In honor of Luke’s absence, I took a “stream photo” of Robby. Don’t ask.
The beers were flowing like wine and our spirits were high:
Sitting next to the fire, the moon was so bright we didn’t even need headlights. The wind was non-existent, so the flames and smoke all went straight up; it was pretty awesome if I do say so.
Eventually we fell asleep,
With the bottle still in my hand. Dad would be proud
and when morning came, it was to the tune of 2 well-deserved hangovers.
Seems like it would’ve been a good idea to pack some water with all that beer..
Hiking out, I showed Robby a few places that may or may not be part of the CAC2.
Todd Garrison will never find this rock ledge.
As we all know by now, the Cedar Creek trail is home to several trails that are not on the map. Typically, these trails begin and end at the same place, so when Robby and I got temporarily separated, (opposite sides of a creek), I told him to just keep hiking and eventually our paths would cross again.
As my trail ascended a large hill, his cut across a low-lying creekbed several hundred feet away and then branched left. By the time I realized I was on a trail completely foreign to me, Robby was nowhere to be seen.
Ok….where am I???
The trail I had taken came to an end in someone’s driveway. Seriously. I spoke with a man who happened to be standing in his yard, and he sent me on my way to the truck. I was only off by a couple hundred yards, and while it was exciting to find a new trail, I was somewhat concerned that Robby might take a wrong turn and never be seen again.
I got to the truck first and waited for about 5 minutes before I let myself panic. Leaving my gear in the truck, i got a drink of water and started running the trail. About 2 miles later I still hadn’t found him. That meant he was either back at the truck or halfway to Boydsville. Not really good news either way. Since I don’t own a cell phone, I had no way of calling him….until I ran across a pair of horseback riders. I borrowed a phone from one of them and scrambled to the top of the nearest hilltop.
Robby: Hello?
Me: Robby, hey where are you?
Robby: I’m sitting at the truck waiting on your ass.
So, I ‘spose I did a bit of unnecessary trail running, but it worked itself out in the end. Gotta love the Cedar Creek trail. 
Follies at Ray’s Indoor MTB Park
It might take me awhile to express how amazing our weekend at Ray’s Indoor MTB Park truly was. Even when I get around to writing about it, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to describe just how much fun we had – kidnapping Bob, the laughs, the road trip, the jokes, the great food, the laughs, the new nicknames, the laughs, and of course the riding. It was a weekend by which all other weekends will be measured, and in measuring, all other weekends will pale in comparison.
In the meantime, however, here is a video of some of our “outtakes” from Ray’s. Just remember, this video doesn’t even compare to how it really was, but you can tell we had a blast… even when we were screwing up (which we did A LOT!). Enjoy…
As you can see, there were no videos of Kage crashing her bike. That’s because her skills are far superior to ours… Or it’s because she is a crash ninja and only crashed when no one was there to witness it. You decide.
I’d like to thank my teammates for joining the celebration of Bob’s upcoming wedding. It couldn’t have happened without you guys.
And I’d like to tell Bob that we really do love you, man. Seriously. Good luck in your new life. Please don’t forget us. We’ll never forget you… And we’ll never forget this weekend.
Oh No, Not Again! – The Super Century Part Deuce
Well, for those of you living in a cave, I’d like to make you aware of a little football game going down this Sunday. We call it the Super Bowl. And with the Super Bowl, comes Super Bowl parties which means way too much food and drink, which also means one of our worst ideas of all time is about to happen again.
Both signs point to the Super Century
There is something you can do as a preemptive strike on all of those calories. And to all of you out there who say, “Just don’t eat any junk food or put anything into the holy temple that is your body,” I say SHUT YO’ MOUTH! That’s just ridiculous. I’m going to eat and drink whatever I want on Super Bowl Sunday, and no one is going to make me feel guilty about it. After all, it’s what we do most of the time that matters, and most of the time I eat a healthy diet. Sunday will not be one of those days, though.
Team Virtus is once again here to “help.” It’s called the Super Century, and it is a really stupid and terribly awful idea – a virtual group trainer ride of at least 62 miles (a metric century). Yes, I said it’s a TRAINER RIDE of 62 MILES OR MORE… INDOORS! Want to know how it all came about last year? Then check this out.
Super Kage giving the first annual Super Century a thumbs down.
Last year, the first annual Super Century was a taint-smashing success. Not only did we have riders from all over the country, but we had some lunatics doing some crazy things instead of the trainer ride so we could all suffer together thousands of miles apart (check it out). So don’t be shy. If you want to join us, just leave us a comment below.
There aren’t any real rules. Just hop on a trainer (borrow one if you must), and pedal for 100 kilometers. You can even ride outside if you want to. Or you can try to come up with an equally stupid challenge. No idiot will be turned away.
Be sure to check us out on Facebook and Twitter for updates, photos, smack-talk, and other tomfoolery. Last year we even had “#supercentury” trending in the St. Louis area last year. So if you are stupid awesome and brave enough to join us in this horrible “group” ride, be sure to use the #supercentury hashtag so we can see it. I’ve also set up a challenge on Daily Mile which you can find right here.
I’ll be starting at 6:00 AM Central Time again this year since I have to work at 11:30. If you want to be able to “chat” with us via facebook and twitter, you should be riding sometime between 6:00 AM and 10:30 AM CDT. I hope to be done in 4 hours or so, but we’ll see.
So… Seriously, it was one of the worst things I did last year, yet it was one of the best things I did last year (Here is my terrible blog post about it). It’s hard to describe just how terrible and awesome it really was, so you should just join us and find out for yourself. Yes, YOU! And if you’re preparing for the Dirty Kanza, the OGRE or Cedar Cross, then you should DEFINITELY join us since it will not only train your legs and taint, it will train your mind!
Leave us a comment if you want to join us, if you have questions, and especially if you have any movie recommendations to help me block out the pain in my ass.
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Milk It With Us at the MLK2 Ride
It’s here, ladies and gentlemen. After a full year of anticipation, the second annual Martin Luther King Ride (MLK2) is THIS SATURDAY! Last year we simply had way too much fun (thanks to the Hoosier Daddies), so we’re doing it again. I can’t even tell you how awesome this ride/party was last year. I’m not kidding. It was amazing. Just go read the report linked above.
There will be cookies, thanks to Kage, and yes, we will grill them. Seriously.
We’re meeting at the Berryman Campground Trailhead (Google Map Here) at 8:00 AM on Saturday, January 19th. We’ll probably roll out at 8:30-ish. Last year, there were some wickedly fast dudes who rode the entire 25-26 mile loop, but there were also fat, slow guys (Me) that only did part of the trail. So don’t be shy. It doesn’t matter if you ride 2 miles, 25 miles or no miles at all. It doesn’t matter if you’re fast or slow. It doesn’t matter if you’re male or female, veteran or newby, blue-eyed or brown-eyed. All that matters is you aren’t a douche bag and you want to ride and have fun with like-minded people.
Mmm… Beer… Courtesy of the Hoosier Daddies
The Hoosier Daddies made the first annual MLK Ride one helluva party, and they’re planning on doing it again. They’re bringing beer, brats, buns, plates, a grill, some tunes, and the oh-so-delicious blackberry whiskey. If you’re so inclined, bring a dish to share. That would be swell.
The weather looks like it’s going to be nearly perfect, so make sure you’re there. Leave us a comment to let us know you’re coming, or head over to the facebook event page to do so and get any last minute updates. While you’re there, be sure to like our team page as well. And leave a comment here or on the facebook page if you want to carpool with anyone. I know some people are looking for a ride to split the gas in the Jeff City area, so again, don’t be shy. Speak up!
If you weren’t here last year, make sure you are this year.
We’ll have riders from St. Louis, Mid-Mo, Kansas City, Rolla, Springfield, and who knows where else. There is even talk of some people camping the night before and/or after. Single track, food, beer, cookies, camping, whiskey, tons of laughs… There will be something for everyone! C’mon. You know you want to be there.
Lastly, Here is a link to some trail info including a pdf of a trail map of the Berryman Trail: Click Me! So if you don’t want to miss the best ride of the year (so far), then we’ll see you on Saturday!
Just for Fun Friday – The Tether Ball World Championship Death Match that Never Happened Edition
Back in the Spring of 2011 at the High Profile Adventure Camp, Bob Jenkins rolled over anyone and everyone who stepped up to challenge him to a tether ball match. The tournament culminated with a championship match between Bob and Brian of Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Adventure Racing. It didn’t end well for Brian:
Brian’s face got up close and personal with the ball as Bob struck the final, winning blow.
Ever since the total annihilation of Brian, there has been talk of a rematch. It was supposed to go down at this year’s camp, but Team Virtus had a date with the LBL Challenge. When we heard The Thunder Rolls Adventure Race would be held at Camp Benson, the same place the Adventure Camp is held, we knew that Bob would once again have to humiliate Brian. This time, however, Bob would show no mercy. He would sweep the leg if he had to, but there was no way he was going to lose to Brian.
Brian, being the cocky, arrogant SOB that he is, showed up to Camp Benson in this awesome t-shirt made by his awesome wife, Melanie:
Not only is Brian’s wife talented, she has put up with Brian’s shenanigans for WAY too long.
Unfortunately, the tether ball poles at Camp Benson were just like Brian and Todd… Lacking balls. We were all very disappointed, but we focused our energy on the 24-hour Thunder Rolls. It was one helluva good race (read part one of our race report right here).
After suffering a severe scratch from a thorn and still managing to somehow survive the race, I began packing the Virtus Van the following morning for the long drive home. That’s when Todd spotted my Wal-Mart bag full of the nastiest, skankiest, dirty race clothes you’ve ever seen. He asked to borrow it, and I knew what was about to happen.
Ingenuity at its finest!
Bob, being the champion that he is, offered the serve to Brian. He slowly pushed the scum-ball towards Brian when Brian immediately (and illegally I might add) smashed the “ball” back at Bob with no warning. Bob, with cat-like speed and reflexes, returned the serve, and the “game” was on. After two or three hits, Brian tore a hole in the “ball” and my nasty laundry flew everywhere.
Bob was willing to try to find a replacement “ball” with which to continue the Death Match, but before he could do so, Brian quit and declared himself the winner (he’s gotten pretty good at this). You can read Brian’s fictional version of this match right here.
Regardless of the lies you’ve heard, the Tether Ball World Championship Death Match (TBWCDM) never happened. The “ball” was not a regulation ball, Brian used an illegal (and dirty) serve to start the non-regulation match, and then he quit before we could continue. While it was a riot watching them bat at my smelly clothes like a couple of kittens hopped up on catnip, it was NOT a real match. Even if it was a regulation match, which it was not, Brian didn’t win it anyway. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Bob still showed his dominance over Brian in the post-non-match handshake.
There will be a true TBWCDM! There must be a TBWCDM! All of you Virtusites deserve some closure. And Brian needs to be silenced… Just like he was last time there was a real match.
Face smashed and flat on his back… Just like he’ll end up when there’s a REAL rematch.
