Category Archives: Upcoming Races
Come Run With Us! – The Ava Brown Memorial 5K
Hello once again to all of you Virtusites out there! I’ll keep this one short today (no, seriously). In two weeks, on April, 13th, The Ava Brown Memorial 5K is being held here in Jefferson City, MO.
Ava Brown
For those of you who don’t know why this race is so near and dear to us, please go read this post right here. Every time Spring rolls around, I go back and reread that post, and every time I read it, I break down and cry a little bit. It was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever written. You should also read all of the comments on that post to see how amazing our friends and families are.
Two years ago, Team Virtus raised over $1000.00 for this great event! ***WARNING! – the previous link contains a photo of me half-naked. You’ve been warned.*** While we aren’t doing the same type of fundraising this year, we’d still love to see you at the race. If you can’t come out and run or walk but you’d still like to help us fight SIDS, you can donate here.
Benjamin Lamb
Rumor has it that Kage has been training for a 5K PR. Will she get it at the Ava Brown 5K? If you know Rage Kage, then you wouldn’t bet against her. And the good news is, she’ll be in a new age group this year! She will hit the big Five – Oh about a week before the race, so even if she misses her PR, she has a good shot at placing in the top three in her new age group. 
So, we hope to see you out there in a couple of weeks. I’ll be running for Ava and for my nephew Benji. Will you join us?
So Fun Soda Mile (and Trail Running)
First, I’d like to say happy New Year to all of you Virtusites out there! I hope it’s the very best year for all of you.
We’ve been a little quiet here on the blog lately. Well, we’re going to try to fix that. I need to finish several race reports, and I need to write a couple of posts about upcoming events (like the SHITR on Saturday and the MLK2 Ride the Saturday after that). But to whet your appetite, I thought I’d do a quick post on yesterday’s goings-on: The Soda Mile followed by some trail running.
Obviously Soda Popinski would have won the race had he been there.
After yesterday, I can proudly say that I have surpassed Kage with the highest miles-driven-to-miles-raced ratio. Her previous best was driving from Edwardsville, IL to Jefferson City, MO for the Kicks in the Sticks race. That’s roughly a 150 mile drive to run 7.5 miles for a ratio of 20 to 1. Well yesterday, I drove from Jefferson City to Edwardsville for a ONE mile race for a ratio of (for those of you who are mathematically challenged) 150 to 1. That’s gonna be hard to beat.
Why would I drive that far for a one mile race? To support a friend of course. But also because it sounded like a blast. It was a soda mile to benefit a friend’s son dealing with cancer. I had never even heard of a soda mile, but once I understood what it was, I knew I had to go.
Here are the rules:
- Drink an entire can of soda.
- Run one lap around the track.
- Repeat 3 more times.
- Try not to barf but if you must, do NOT barf on the track.
I was up in the first heat, and there were some young, thin, fit high school runners in my heat. Although I knew I wouldn’t be anywhere near the podium, seeing these young, fast dudes confirmed it. But there was something else I could do better than these young whippersnappers. I could out-chug them. My only goal was to slam my diet 7-Up, get the hole shot, and be the leader through turn one – just like Bob does at every cross race.
This is how you should warm up for a Soda Mile. (Photo Credit: Diane Dudding)
Taking the early lead was so easy I almost felt bad for the young bucks. I pounded the soda, smashed the can in my hand like a man, threw it down, and took off running. For a brief second, I thought about trying to run the mile as hard as I could. Then my right calf tightened up, and I reigned it back in. Not that it would have mattered. The other guys were much faster than I was.
As I was belching my way over to the straight-away on the track, I heard some monstrous burps behind me. It was a young guy who went on to be the overall winner with a time of 7:48 or something like that.
I finished lap one, grabbed another soda, and chugged as much as I could. It didn’t go down as easily as the first one, though. The third and fourth sodas went down a little more slowly as well. The first 100 yards after each soda was always the worst. I tried to open up my gut and throat to let as many belches out as possible. Every time I hit the straight-away on the other side of the track I would be burp-free, and I could actually run full-speed again (although I wasn’t exactly crushing it since I wanted to save my calf for the trail running later in the day).
I passed a couple of younger, faster guys on the side of the track barfing. It was hilarious. I finished in 10:49 or so. It was one of the slower times in my heat, but that’s okay. That’s not what this event was about. It was about helping a friend and having fun.
This and other shots prove that my running form is improving. I have a LONG ways to go, but I’m no longer a heel-striker. (Photo Credit: Kage)
Kage was up next, and she was not really looking forward to drinking the soda and possibly barfing. But would that stop her? Absolutely not. We all knew that Kage was going to step up and chug 4 sodas and run the fastest mile of the day. And here’s a video to prove it:
Kage finished the first lap with no problems. There was no barfing. I know… Disappointing. Before Kage started her second lap, Patrick and I informed her that she had not actually finished the entire can. Well, here’s what she thought about that:
I don’t think she cared about what Patrick and I thought.
Kage probably drank half of each can (if we’re being generous), and she finished her mile in 25 minutes. Okay, that’s not true. I actually don’t know what her time was, but I think it was around 9 and a half minutes or so. And it didn’t really matter that she didn’t drink all the soda. The spirit of a soda mile is all about fun.
Our friend Sara – who broke out of prison with us – was in the last heat of the day. I think she actually drank all four of her sodas and successfully completed the mile without barfing. She rocked it!
She’s WAY too happy to be on her fourth Orange Soda.
The soda mile was a lot of fun. It was very laid back, and no one took it too seriously. The top three runners received their awards: Six-packs of soda. We later found out that the event raised $2,511.00 for our friend Lindsay’s family. And that is very cool.
After the race, Kage and Patrick (of 100+ Project fame) were nice enough to take me running on their local trails. The trail through the Big Woods was fantastic. The other trail was great too, but I really enjoyed the Big Woods. I won’t bore you with the details, but here is a synopsis followed by some photos:
- The trails were great.
- The company was even better.
- The bridges were super slick.
- Wild Running is way too much fun.
- We spotted Sasquatch.
- I learned about (and ran through the ruins of) the Mississippi River Festival from the ’70′s (Here’s a cool video that shows some of the trail and relics).
- We had some great conversations and laughed a lot.
- We covered 9.75 miles (with just a bit of walking at the end).
And now for the photos:
The beautiful trails were practically right on the SIUE campus.
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Although it looks like I’m trying to poop, I was actually trying to lift an old cable left behind from the Mississippi River Festival.
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The SIUE campus has lots of different sculptures to keep us entertained. Here we see Patrick the Future Failure.
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No, she wasn’t trying out for “Showgirls 2: Maw Maw in Vegas.” Patrick noticed this and said, “Hey, we should put Kage in a cage.” So we did.
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While Kage was taking care of bidness, Patrick and I spotted the elusive Lukesquatch.
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Don’t forget about the SHITR on Saturday and the MLK2 ride next Saturday! I hope to see you there!
CAC Attack!
As Bob noted in his last post, the best adventure non-race in the world, Carnage at the Creek (CAC), will happen again in 2013. We aren’t quite sure on the date yet, but we’ll keep you posted on that front. What I want to share with you today, though, is pretty disturbing.
It has come to our attention that our beloved CAC had come under a vicious and unprovoked attack. No, I’m not kidding. And I know what you’re thinking:
But how could this be?
Who would possibly attack a CAC that has given so many people pleasure?
I thought everyone loved CAC.
Well, that’s what we thought too. But take a look at this:
Clearly, Todd from Whiskey Tango Foxtrot has some issues with the 2012 version of the CAC. I’d like to defend my CAC since it is so precious to me. So please watch the video above and then read my point-by-point rebuttal below.
Point 1: The Hike-a-Bike Section – This section may not have been “fun.” I can admit that. However, there are always parts of every adventure race where you think, “This sucks. I’m never doing this again.” But then you look back at it later and realize it was awesome… Unless you’re a wimpy Packers fan like Todd is.
Point 2: Getting Lost On the Way to the Race – Out of all the racers, volunteers, and super sexy race directors – over 30 people in all – only two people got lost. Can you guess who they were? I’ll give you a hint: Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. That’s right, Brian and Todd. (And I love the fact that Todd risked his life for this shot.)
Point 3: Local Turkey Hunters – Well, there isn’t much to say about this one. Yes, it was turkey season. Yes, there was one disgruntled hunter. But he was probably more irritated with the 200 Bushcrafters in the area that weekend. Besides, it’s not like anyone was shot.
Point 4: Ticks in MO – Missouri isn’t the only state with ticks. Maybe Todd had more than his fair share of ticks, but that’s understandable. Everyone knows that Ticks are attracted to high levels of estrogen. (Todd’s rockin’ a sweet hat, by the way.)
Point 5: SuperKate Sleeps Like a Baby – Okay, I can’t really say anything about this one either. I’ve heard her snore, and it’s amazing that such a delicate, little flower could produce such a horrendous sound. Perhaps she’s developed sleep apnea in her old age.
Point 6: Proximity of Jefferson City to Iowa – Nothing I can do about this one. Maybe if someone put on an adventure non-race in Iowa, we would travel to that hell-hole.
Point 7: Snakes – It’s common knowledge that snakes, like ticks, are attracted to estrogen. (A very nice touch sitting on the toilet in this shot.)
Point 8: Bad Singletrack – I don’t get this one. I think the singletrack is easy and fun, but I guess I have a basic understanding of how my bike works and at least a modicum of athletic ability.
Point 9: Half-Priced Beef – I ate this questionable meat, and it truly was delicious. And I didn’t get sick. Man up, Todd. (That brownie looked delicious in this scene.)
Point 10: Bob Jenkins and Lukas Lamb are Sick SOB’s – What can I say? We tried to emulate the sickest, most sadistic race director we know – Gerry Voelliger.
Point 11: Smelly Rowboats – Coming from someone who lives in the middle of Iowa, a state most well-known for the stench of pig poop, this makes no sense.
Point 12: ??????? – There was no point #12, but don’t think I didn’t notice that hideous Cheese Head in this shot. You’ll pay, Todd Garrison. Oh, you’ll pay.
I think this weak attempt at a stache is Todd’s way of compensating for lacking in other areas.
Obviously, all of Todd’s issues with our CAC are unfounded. For the rest of you, don’t worry. The CAC will be back sometime in April (probably) 2013. It will be bigger, longer, harder, and, as Todd said, maybe even bushier. Please don’t listen to Todd. He clearly has a case of CAC-envy.
Berryman is almost here…and fun with hyperlinks
This needs to be on a belt buckle
Every year, hordes of AR badasses, (and people like us), flock to Southern Missouri for what has become the Midwest’s AR Superbowl: The Berryman Adventure Race. With names like Bushwacker, Alpine Shop and WEDALI, the list of registered teams is basically a list of “Who’s Who in AR.” Speaking of team names, I’d have to say “Victorious Secret” is my current favorite. And I probably shouldn’t mention this, but it looks like ”Awesome-Butt Girl” is racing this year. Be excited, guys.
Drew riding Luke’s ass at Berryman
Bonk Hard Racing is a name synonymous with greatness, and everybody knows Berryman is the real deal. Whether you win, lose or finish 2 hours and 45 minutes after the final time cutoff, you’re gonna go home with a sweet jacket and one hell of a campfire story. You’ll get your money’s worth, there’s no doubt about it.
And if your race doesn’t go as well as you’d planned, you can take comfort in knowing there are coolers full of hot baked potatoes and cold beer waiting at the finish line. Bonk Hard brings plenty of butter and sour cream, too. And seriously, what’s better than cold beer and hot potatoes after walking 13 miles in a pouring rain-storm?
Brooke and Ben. Trust me, they’re happier than they look.
Sadly, I don’t see the Snail Trail, Hoosier Daddies or WTFAR listed anywhere, which is particularly disappointing since Todd won’t get to meet The Madness. Oh, what could have been..
Travis Hammons and I will be seeking redemption for our colossal failure at last year’s Berryman, and KG will be racing with her brother Jim as Team Hangover. I’m not sure of everyone else’s plans, but I’m fairly certain Adam has other plans.
So who else is going but hasn’t signed up yet?
Speedo Vote for The Thunder Rolls
So we need your help in a bad way. For those of you that have been living under a rock for the last few months, you may not be aware of “The Speedo Bet.” You see, I bet Bob that he could not eat 23 or more donuts at the Tour de Donut. Well, Bob only ate 18 donuts and he barfed, so I won the bet. Now the time has come for Bob to make good on that bet.
This weekend at The Thunder Rolls 24-Hour Adventure Race, Bob will have to wear a Speedo Bikini, and nothing but a Speedo Bikini, for one entire leg of the race (in addition to socks, shoes, backpack, etc.) Well, I finally got around to ordering Bob’s Speedo, and here it is:
Now and forevermore, Bob shall be known as Goldmember
Simple, classic, understated, and yet so stunning. Don’t you think? I almost ordered him a thong, but then I realized that Kage and I were going to have to see him in this thing up-close and personal. So I opted for a traditional Speedo.
Anyway, I have not decided when Bob will wear the Speedo, and that’s where you come in. Please take just a moment to fill out the poll below. Your vote counts, so don’t be shy. And leave a comment with some words of encouragement for Bob.
This is serious business. Do you want Bob to bare most of his flesh while trekking through thorns, poison ivy, and stinging nettle? Or do you want him in nothing but a Speedo while biking over bumpy, gravel roads and thus destroying his taint? Or are you going to be nice and have him wear the Speedo at night on the paddling leg of the race where he will be mostly hidden by the canoe and life jacket?
The choice is yours. Choose wisely.
And be sure to check us out on Facebook and Twitter as we’ll be sure to post some photos and updates throughout the race this weekend.
