Blog Archives
CAC Attack!
As Bob noted in his last post, the best adventure non-race in the world, Carnage at the Creek (CAC), will happen again in 2013. We aren’t quite sure on the date yet, but we’ll keep you posted on that front. What I want to share with you today, though, is pretty disturbing.
It has come to our attention that our beloved CAC had come under a vicious and unprovoked attack. No, I’m not kidding. And I know what you’re thinking:
But how could this be?
Who would possibly attack a CAC that has given so many people pleasure?
I thought everyone loved CAC.
Well, that’s what we thought too. But take a look at this:
Clearly, Todd from Whiskey Tango Foxtrot has some issues with the 2012 version of the CAC. I’d like to defend my CAC since it is so precious to me. So please watch the video above and then read my point-by-point rebuttal below.
Point 1: The Hike-a-Bike Section – This section may not have been “fun.” I can admit that. However, there are always parts of every adventure race where you think, “This sucks. I’m never doing this again.” But then you look back at it later and realize it was awesome… Unless you’re a wimpy Packers fan like Todd is.
Point 2: Getting Lost On the Way to the Race – Out of all the racers, volunteers, and super sexy race directors – over 30 people in all – only two people got lost. Can you guess who they were? I’ll give you a hint: Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. That’s right, Brian and Todd. (And I love the fact that Todd risked his life for this shot.)
Point 3: Local Turkey Hunters – Well, there isn’t much to say about this one. Yes, it was turkey season. Yes, there was one disgruntled hunter. But he was probably more irritated with the 200 Bushcrafters in the area that weekend. Besides, it’s not like anyone was shot.
Point 4: Ticks in MO – Missouri isn’t the only state with ticks. Maybe Todd had more than his fair share of ticks, but that’s understandable. Everyone knows that Ticks are attracted to high levels of estrogen. (Todd’s rockin’ a sweet hat, by the way.)
Point 5: SuperKate Sleeps Like a Baby – Okay, I can’t really say anything about this one either. I’ve heard her snore, and it’s amazing that such a delicate, little flower could produce such a horrendous sound. Perhaps she’s developed sleep apnea in her old age.
Point 6: Proximity of Jefferson City to Iowa – Nothing I can do about this one. Maybe if someone put on an adventure non-race in Iowa, we would travel to that hell-hole.
Point 7: Snakes – It’s common knowledge that snakes, like ticks, are attracted to estrogen. (A very nice touch sitting on the toilet in this shot.)
Point 8: Bad Singletrack – I don’t get this one. I think the singletrack is easy and fun, but I guess I have a basic understanding of how my bike works and at least a modicum of athletic ability.
Point 9: Half-Priced Beef – I ate this questionable meat, and it truly was delicious. And I didn’t get sick. Man up, Todd. (That brownie looked delicious in this scene.)
Point 10: Bob Jenkins and Lukas Lamb are Sick SOB’s – What can I say? We tried to emulate the sickest, most sadistic race director we know – Gerry Voelliger.
Point 11: Smelly Rowboats – Coming from someone who lives in the middle of Iowa, a state most well-known for the stench of pig poop, this makes no sense.
Point 12: ??????? – There was no point #12, but don’t think I didn’t notice that hideous Cheese Head in this shot. You’ll pay, Todd Garrison. Oh, you’ll pay.
I think this weak attempt at a stache is Todd’s way of compensating for lacking in other areas.
Obviously, all of Todd’s issues with our CAC are unfounded. For the rest of you, don’t worry. The CAC will be back sometime in April (probably) 2013. It will be bigger, longer, harder, and, as Todd said, maybe even bushier. Please don’t listen to Todd. He clearly has a case of CAC-envy.
Monstercross pre-ride:
Mountain Feedbag and ipod: required gravel-riding gear
Sunday’s scouting ride was supposed to be 40-ish miles long…more on that later. Adam and I rolled out from Dos Primos at around 9am, and it wasn’t long before we were riding North on County Road 363.
Familiar territory, this is the first leg of the Dirty Jenkins
The weather was absolutely magnificent. Seriously, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky and the high-temp was only going to be around 80 degrees. Perfect weather for anything, except working or cleaning the house. Laundry be damned, we had more important things to do.
Adam's got a fancy system for his earbuds
For those unfamiliar with the Cedar Creek trail system, do yourself a favor and print this map. (It’s a friggin’ nightmare to find online.) A combination of singletrack and gravel roads, the trail system is largely unused. When you’re out there you almost never run into another person. The trails are pretty nice, save for a few sections that have been horse-trampled. From 363, we turned left onto 364 and followed it all the way to the National Forest entrance. Once you’re through the gate, you get ride through stuff like this:
What, this doesn't impress you?
Follow those tracks for a while and you’ll eventually come to this opening:
That yellow dot is Adam leaving me behind. What a dick.
From that hill, it’s only a short ride until a steep piece of downhill singletrack drops you onto the gravel of Burnett School road. Burnett School road becomes Shelton road as it snakes Northward. This section is almost all uphill, but the view on either side of the road is a welcome distraction from the effort you’re putting forth to get up the climb.
Adam climbs Shelton road like a hoss
About 100 yards before you get to Hwy Y, theres’ an area on the right that has been mown down. This is actually a part of Cedar Creek trail, which was put there to keep people from having to ride on Hwy Y. Very thoughtful, in my opinion.
This connector puts you straight across the street from "Bob Veach Rd."
That connector will put you straight across the street from Bob Veach road. Bob Veach Road is a relatively flat piece of gravel with a few rolling hills. It goes almost straight North for several miles.
Not a single cloud in the sky.
There are a few nice houses and a couple of families who are really into horses. It’s not uncommon to see people out here just riding around on horseback.
17-ish miles into the ride
Eventually you’ll see a sign for Clinkenbeard rd. This is where you wanna hang a left.
You dont wanna miss this turn. Trust me.
Clinkenbeard has a few more climbs, but nothing too earth-shattering. Eventually, you intersect Engelwood road, where you turn right and immediately turn left onto Johnson Cemetry rd. At this time you will be promptly attacked by two asshole dogs. Bring your dog spray or a pistol, I know I will next time.
Johnson Cemetery rd runs into Ginn Lane, where you take a left. Ginn Lane has got some nasty climbs and a twisty downhill that’ll streak your chamois if you don’t tap the brakes. This is a fun road.
A pretty pic, but we all know pics dont do justice
Barnes Chapel road leads you to the Moon Loop Trailhead, and this is where Monstercross truly begins.
Moon Loop is marked with Yellow Diamonds
***A little bit of history on the Moon Loop: When the US Forest Service took ownership of this area in the 1930′s, the area was so eroded that it looked like the surface of the Moon. Hence the name “Moon Loop” . ****
Anyhow, Adam and I made our way into the woods and commenced the taint-bashing experience that is riding a cross bike on singletrack. The first 100 yards or so is pretty bumpy, but then it opens up.
Ahhhhh...the glory of MONSTERCROSS!!!
The “open-air” type of trail soon ends and you find yourself riding through a very nice piece of our National Forest.
It doesnt get much better than this.
Every good cyclocross course has barriers, and this one will be no exception. There are a number of “barriers” out there, and when this race finally happens you will come to love each and every one of them.
"Natural" barriers
A run-up is a staple item for any decent cross course, so it’s only natural that a Monstercross course has one or two of them. We crossed a dry creek, and on the other side is a steep “run-up” past the old Mill Site.
Fat guys don't enjoy run-ups
Towards the end of the trail, Adam smacked a hidden log and went for a little trip over the handlebars. It was awesome, and I made him stay in the thorns until I got this picture.
I may or may not have laughed my ass off.
Truly great race-courses don’t happen on accident. It takes a lot of careful planning and scouting….and getting lost. Somehow, we wound up back at the trailhead, having done the entire loop instead of only the first 3 miles like we’d planned. To say I was frustrated would be a serious understatement.
We were both running pretty short on water at this point, but we got lucky when we found the water spigot in front of Barnes Chapel Church.
We would've been pretty screwed if we hadnt found this water.
By now we were both feeling a bit drained, so we opted to alter the route. There would be no more scouting of virgin trail today, the smart thing to do was take our candy asses back to the gravel and head for Highway J. Along the way, we stopped to take a leak, (read: I had to walk the hill) and Adam found a McDonald’s cup with 2 Monopoly stickers still on it. He was rewarded with a coupon for a free 1/4 pounder with cheese.
Proof that only assholes win at Monopoly
After crossing Rutherford Bridge, we took a left and headed up county rd 354. This is a super-shitty piece of road that we will not likely include on raceday. The one highlight to this piece of road is when you get to ride past the home of a very “Shrek-like” guy who REALLY doesn’t want you trespassing on his land. Check out the sign in his front yard.
Wow.
I’d really like to get a closer shot of that sign, but I’m pretty sure this asshole is just dying for an excuse to shoot someone. Just in case you’re curious, this is how it reads:
Property owner will shoot to kill any man woman or child dispensing weaponry toward this property
Said owner will engage and subdue anyone dispensing weaponry within 150 yards of said property
No Trespassing
Unwelcome domestic animals are killed
No aid now available to distressed National Forest visitors
Someone must have really pissed that guy off. The funny thing is that I’m pretty sure he spent more time working on the sign than he did on his house. One whole side of his house doesn’t even have siding on it, just plastic-wrap.
Once we hit Highway J, we rode pavement all the way back to New Bloomfield. I dont know about Adam, but my ass was dragging pretty bad at this point. I must’ve eaten a bad snack or something, because my stomach was all kinds of messed up. When we finally made it t0 a gas station, I got some beef jerky and Coca Cola. I thought the sugar would calm my stomach down…I was wrong. I walked out of the gas station and promptly vomited 2 cans of coke and a bag of beef jerky. And while that was disgusting, it was even more disgusting that Adam took no pictures. I think you know what that means.
After I got all the puking handled, we were back on the road…headed for that glorious plate of shrimp nachos at the end of the rainbow. At the end of the day the cyclometer showed 56 miles, but that doesn’t account for any of the hike-a-biking or tree-hurdling we did out there.
Paved roads are so much easier to ride than gravel
It was a day full of triumph and failure, but the greatest shock didn’t happen for me until we got to Dos Primos. I ordered a pitcher of beer and my beloved shrimp nachos….then couldn’t eat or drink any of it. After barfing jerky and coke, the prospect of a followup performance with shrimp and beer was too much, even for me. Luckily, Adam fell short on the photo-taking once again..thus saving me years of embarrassment.
The next day, I went out there and figured out where we went wrong. We missed the connector, but if the trail were better marked, we wouldn’t have had any problems. I have since “re-marked” the connector, and am looking forward to scouting/pre-riding this course again very soon. When this race-course finally comes to fruition, you better be there and you better pack a lunch.
Team Virtus Non-race #2: The Deuce
The 2nd annual Team Virtus adventure non-race, (“The Deuce”), has come and gone. For those who came to volunteer, non-race, or stand around waiting for your husbands to finish.. I’d like to extend a very sincere THANK YOU. Thank you for coming out and supporting local, FREE racing. Good people with positive attitudes are what non-racing is all about, and we hope you’ll all come back next time.
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Who would have thought organizing an adventure race could be so much fun AND such a pain in the ass? I mean, seriously!! I think we all had our moments of anxiety before and during the Deuce……
EFF Word!! Eff word REALLY LOUD!!
…. but now that it’s over I think we can all agree it was a success. And since we’re shameless self-promoters, we thought it’d be fun to give you a behind-the-scenes look at how we set things up.
Setting the course was a lot of fun. Late in the summer last year I found a substantial piece of National Forest land about 10 minutes from my house. On my days off, I’d just go out there and walk around. It didn’t take long to compile a list of “cool stuff” we wanted to include in the race, and it was also nice to watch my dogs roll around in every disgusting mudhole they could find.
Course markers are super-expensive if you buy the good ones, so we decided to make our own. I think we spent $8 on spray-paint and twine to come up with all our 31 checkpoints. Each non-racer would be given a small notebook and an ink-pen to record the images we put on each control.
Yeah, so the paint came off.... big deal.
Prelude Deuce Report
3 years ago I “competed” in the first annual CXMAS non-race put on by our friends at Team Seagal. It was 8 degrees below zero with the windchill and when my sweat got into the fabric of my jacket, it actually froze. It was certainly an epic ride, and one I’ll likely never forget. All non-racers were rewarded for their efforts with one of these:
Behold!!
That, my friends is a spoke-card. I like to think of it as a cool scar; something that shows where my bike and I have been and what we’ve done. I look at that photo and I’m able to recount the day’s events: the bitter cold, the bomber downhills, and trying to draft Pete Goode for 10 miles down the Katy Trail. Mostly, I remember being impressed at how the members of Team Seagal functioned as a unit to make the event so seamless.
The Godfathers of non-racing. Matching jackets and everything!!!
A spoke card wasn’t all I got that day. I left with a free PBR hat, PBR t-shirt and 12 pack of beer. Needless to say, I was a happy camper. There were something like 25 riders that year. Sadly, I took no photos.
In 2009, the race was anything but underground. Over 140 people showed up, donated money to GORC and had a great ride. Luke’s wife had a kidney stone, so he stayed home.
CXMAS is a festive painfest. Whiskey, cupcakes and bacon abound. I remember being offered various brands of delicious whiskey and enjoying them all…before the race even started. I don’t remember ever crashing, but I do remember being drunk, lost, and having nothing to drink other than a camelbak full of bourbon and Pepsi. You might say I got a little bit dehydrated.
At long last, I came to the manned checkpoint where each rider had to drink at least one cup of eggnog. My good friends, Sir Mason Storm and “Lawman” Jim Davis were manning the cups, so I was obliged to hang out for a bit. They told me Nick Smith had the current nogg record at 5 cups. Well, I just couldn’t let that happen. I drank five and felt good, five more and I was feeling full. After 12, I knew i was eventually going to puke so I went for broke. After 15 cups of disgusting egg nog, I called it done, joined a group of riders and pedaled a few miles to the finish. Along the way…there was epic vomiting.
Mr Storm was raining eggnog. (See what I did there?)
When I crossed the finish line I was awarded with a pair of speakers for my efforts. I didn’t know it was a legit contest with prizes so I was thrilled, especially considering I was one of the last riders to clear the course.
Pictured here w/ Mike Bobelak who donated the speakers, Wendy on the left
Needless to say, CXMAS is a non-race I look forward to every year. The routes are always well planned, fun and challenging. The event is FREE, the schwag’s endless and the beer is free. Sadly, Adam Hempelmann crushed my nogg record in 2010. Personally, I think it’s bullshit that any man with huge pectoral muscles and 6-pack abs is able to consume that much nogg in one sitting. He probably has an enormous penis too, the bastard. I’ll get you in 2011, Hempelmann.
A Team Seagal non-race is a lot like a family reunion, minus the fried chicken and awkward forgetting of names. You always leave with more friends than you came with, and there’s always a story to tell….a badass story about bourbon, bacon and the geysers of egg-nog I saw shooting out of Luke’s face last year. You should have seen it.
So why am I telling you this? Two reasons, actually:
1. So you will be at CXMAS next year.
2. To give credit where credit is due
Team Seagal brought non-racing to Missouri. We’re just trying to help carry the torch and spread the love. And now that your history lesson is over we can finally talk about “The Deuce”…..tomorrow.
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Non-Race Non-Info for Non-Racers – The Deuce is almost Loose!
All of you non-racers who are non-racing at this weekend’s adventure non-race should listen up or else you might be non-aware of some important details. Please make sure you read all of this post, top to bottom. Got it? Good.
Bob and I are almost done getting the course ready for you. We’ve literally put lots and lots of minutes into planning this thing. In fact, just this last Sunday we both went out there to mark a few checkpoints. Don’t believe me? Here is photographic non-evidence:
Okay, so now it’s time to drop some knowledge bombs on all of you regarding The Deuce. Remember, though… Daylight savings kicks in this weekend, so don’t forget to set your clocks! Below you will find all of the important info…
Date:
Sunday, March 13th
Start Location:
Bob’s Pad
150 A. Rief Court
Holts Summit, MO 65043
Non-Registration / Map Hand-Out:
9:00 – 9:30ish
Pre-race Non-Meeting:
9:45ish
Start Time:
10:00 AM
Mandatory Team Gear:
- Compass – 1 per team (we have a couple if you need to borrow one)
- Map Case or really big Ziplock bag for the map – 1 per team
- Bike Tool, Spare Tube, Pump or Inflator
Mandatory Individual Gear:
- Rain Jacket (just in case)
- Bike – Mountain or Cross Bikes would work – you choose
- Bike Helmet to protect your melon
- Red Blinky Tail Light for Bike
- Enough Water and Food
- Enough Clothes to be safe and comfy
- Headlamp or small flashlight (just in case)
- 50 feet of rope and a shovel – for the mystery event
That’s right… There will be a mystery event for you all to enjoy. Make sure you’re prepared for anything, and I mean ANYTHING! Want a hint? Here you go:
You might have to drink water Bear Grylls style (and yes, that's real poop)
You should also be ready for some climbing... I hope you're not afraid of heights.
Okay, okay… There will be no drinking poop-water or climbing or anything like that. And no, you don’t need to bring 50 feet of rope and a shovel for the mystery event. I REPEAT: There is NO need to bring 50 feet of rope and a shovel so PLEASE don’t go out and buy these things and blame me later. There will be a mystery event, but it doesn’t require any extra gear. It’s nothing too crazy, but it should be fun (I hope).
Good news on the maps… Thanks to Kelly Sumner of Off Road Fixation, we should be able to print our own maps. I have copies of the maps, but I still need to get to a printer. If all goes well, there will be no charge for the maps. So if you see Kelly, give him a bear hug from all of us at Team Virtus.
If there is gear that you don’t have and need to borrow, please let us know. We’d be happy to help you out. And if you have any questions at all, please contact us. We’re really looking forward to it, and we hope you are to. And if you’re one of those unlucky people who isn’t going to be non-racing this weekend at the non-race, then you’re going to feel like this:
Don't miss the Deuce!
It’s not too late to non-race! If you want in, though, you have to let us know TODAY! We’ll be printing the maps tonight. We’ll probably print a few extra maps, but we’d really like to know how many people are going to show up. Hope to see you out there… Yes You!
