CAC Attack!

As Bob noted in his last post, the best adventure non-race in the world, Carnage at the Creek (CAC), will happen again in 2013.  We aren’t quite sure on the date yet, but we’ll keep you posted on that front.  What I want to share with you today, though, is pretty disturbing.

It has come to our attention that our beloved CAC had come under a vicious and unprovoked attack.  No, I’m not kidding.  And I know what you’re thinking:

But how could this be?

Who would possibly attack a CAC that has given so many people pleasure?

I thought everyone loved CAC.

Well, that’s what we thought too.  But take a look at this:

Clearly, Todd from Whiskey Tango Foxtrot has some issues with the 2012 version of the CAC.  I’d like to defend my CAC since it is so precious to me.  So please watch the video above and then read my point-by-point rebuttal below.

Point 1: The Hike-a-Bike Section – This section may not have been “fun.”  I can admit that.  However, there are always parts of every adventure race where you think, “This sucks.  I’m never doing this again.”  But then you look back at it later and realize it was awesome… Unless you’re a wimpy Packers fan like Todd is.

Point 2: Getting Lost On the Way to the Race – Out of all the racers, volunteers, and super sexy race directors – over 30 people in all – only two people got lost.  Can you guess who they were?  I’ll give you a hint: Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum.  That’s right, Brian and Todd. (And I love the fact that Todd risked his life for this shot.)

Point 3: Local Turkey Hunters – Well, there isn’t much to say about this one.  Yes, it was turkey season.  Yes, there was one disgruntled hunter.  But he was probably more irritated with the 200 Bushcrafters in the area that weekend.  Besides, it’s not like anyone was shot.

Point 4: Ticks in MO – Missouri isn’t the only state with ticks.  Maybe Todd had more than his fair share of ticks, but that’s understandable.  Everyone knows that Ticks are attracted to high levels of estrogen. (Todd’s rockin’ a sweet hat, by the way.)

Point 5: SuperKate Sleeps Like a Baby – Okay, I can’t really say anything about this one either.  I’ve heard her snore, and it’s amazing that such a delicate, little flower could produce such a horrendous sound.  Perhaps she’s developed sleep apnea in her old age.

Point 6: Proximity of Jefferson City to Iowa – Nothing I can do about this one.  Maybe if someone put on an adventure non-race in Iowa, we would travel to that hell-hole.

Point 7: Snakes – It’s common knowledge that snakes, like ticks, are attracted to estrogen.  (A very nice touch sitting on the toilet in this shot.)

Point 8: Bad Singletrack – I don’t get this one.  I think the singletrack is easy and fun, but I guess I have a basic understanding of how my bike works and at least a modicum of athletic ability.

Point 9: Half-Priced Beef – I ate this questionable meat, and it truly was delicious.  And I didn’t get sick.  Man up, Todd. (That brownie looked delicious in this scene.)

Point 10: Bob Jenkins and Lukas Lamb are Sick SOB’s – What can I say?  We tried to emulate the sickest, most sadistic race director we know – Gerry Voelliger.

Point 11: Smelly Rowboats – Coming from someone who lives in the middle of Iowa, a state most well-known for the stench of pig poop, this makes no sense.

Point 12: ??????? – There was no point #12, but don’t think I didn’t notice that hideous Cheese Head in this shot.  You’ll pay, Todd Garrison.  Oh, you’ll pay.

Porn Stache

I think this weak attempt at a stache is Todd’s way of compensating for lacking in other areas.

Obviously, all of Todd’s issues with our CAC are unfounded.  For the rest of you, don’t worry.  The CAC will be back sometime in April (probably) 2013.  It will be bigger, longer, harder, and, as Todd said, maybe even bushier.  Please don’t listen to Todd.  He clearly has a case of CAC-envy.




About Lukas Lamb

Husband to a wonderful wife, father to 4 incredible kids (3 daughters and 1 son), adventure racer, mountain biker, runner, lifter of weights, reader of books, and lover of life. He can be found on Google+

Posted on November 13, 2012, in CAC, Non-Races, Upcoming Races and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. Where are the other 5-6things you won’t here WTF say? During the summation 17things were alluded to but only 11-12 were actually said. I need more info so I can make a decision for 2013.

  2. Patrick – No decisions to make. You gotta be there. The CAC was the most fun race of all 2012.

  3. I would like to defend your defense remarks:

    #1 That part blew. Seriously.
    #2 Getting lost on the way there is a great indication of our navigational skills and why we were so eager to team up with Adam, until we learned that he didn’t know the difference between North and East.
    #3 He seemed to not enjoy my comment that basically he can go to hell.
    #4 The tic was for Brian who ended up with one on his sack.
    #5 It’s funny because it’s true. I just hope that when I’m nearing retirement age that I’m still able to race.
    #6 Interstate highway instead of gravel roads would be a great first step in fixing this issue.
    #7 Snakes, well, need I say anything else? They are the most vile creature on the planet. I’d rather hug a porcupine, swim through jelly fish, ride bareback on a rhino’s horn and have a honey badger for a pet than do anything with snakes. I’d let you slather Brian with mayo before I would even think about touching a snake.
    #G See #1
    #9 The beef was ok, it’s just that any perishable food item that has been marked down 50% makes me nervous. It makes me question why they would mark it down 50%. Whats wrong with it? Is it expired? Did it get dropped on the men’s room floor? Plus I’m not so sure the food standards in MO are up to par with the rest of the civilized world. Sort of like you don’t drink the water in Mexico or eat local food in any country ending in ‘stan.
    #10 Well, you’ve mastered the sadistic part. Congrats.
    #11 It’s not so much the pig shit I don’t like, It’s the burnt popcorn smell from the 18 ethanol plants in the greater Cedar Rapids Metroplex that I don’t like.

    So other than the 15 things mentioned, it was a great race and I look forward to paying $9 to non-race for free in 2013? If you’re on the fence about coming to this non-race, it’s time to either shit or get off the pot. I’d rather drink turpentine and piss on a brush fire than miss this bad boy.

  1. Pingback: The biggest one Day Adventure Race on the planet | banzai adventurer

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