Category Archives: Adam masturbates
Last weekend, Kate and I toured the gravel roads of Jonesburg. The following is a brief account of the awesomeness that took place.
The proposed route was roughly 25 miles, boasting scenic river views and glamorous upscale housing.
Since neither of us had saved the route ahead of time, (y’know, cuz we’re dumbasses), there was a bit of confusion as to the actual route. But like things usually do, it worked itself out and we were on course in short order. A bit of pavement led us to the beginning of Massas Creek road, which we followed to Tower road. Tower road lived up to its name with some nice climbs, but the scenery was worth the pain. We saw a lot of run down homes and unleashed dogs, but there were also a LOT of really nice homes out there.
I had told my wife we’d be doing this ride at a “training pace,” but that turned out to be a dirty lie. We did a fair amount of picture taking and non-race scheming, so time got away from us a bit. It was totally worth it though, because we found a LOT of cool shit…like this sun-bleached rib-cage for example:
Scenery abounds along this road. Check out this bridge..
The road cuts through a fair bit of National Forest area, and highlights some really great landmarks along the way, like the old house in the picture below. There’s a big “No Tresspassing” sign on it, so we didn’t walk inside and see evidence of fire damage and a pillow on the floor where someone’s been sleeping inside. But if we had walked inside and seen that, it would’ve been really interesting.
Further down the road we encountered a few more respectable climbs, but you’d never know it by the way Kate flew to the top and waited patiently for my fat ass to catch up. I’m gonna blame my sub-par performance on knobby tires, but it would’nt have hurt to be a few dozen pounds lighter.
And what’s the deal with all of these plastic bags on the barb-wire fence? Is that to keep horses away or something?
The downhills. Oh, the downhills. Toward the end of Tower road we began our descent toward the Katy Trail and it was a face melter. Fast and furious, I loved it. Here’s a shot of Kate before the big drop.
It’s really sad the way pictures do such an injustice to the beauty of nature. Anyway, when we got to the bottom of that rip-tastic downhill, we turned east onto the wet, soft Katy Trail. This was probably the only part of the ride I didn’t like. Riding the Katy when it’s soft just sucks. But eventually that part was over and we were on our way up Massas Creek road.
Massas Creek road is totally badass. There are times when it’s so rocky and loose you wonder if it’s even a road at all. There’s definitely a felling of remoteness.The creek crossings and rock formations are a visual treat, as was the bald eagle we saw overlooking the creek. No pics of him though; he blasted off as soon as he saw us.
This rock face was enormous, but you’d never know it from looking at the photo.
….And Kate got to try out her fancy new waterproof cycling boots in this creek. I took the easy way out and rode across.
The rest of the way back to the truck was almost all uphill, so that was a peach. And while we both could’ve ridden further, I think we were glad to call it a day. This route was fantastic, and I mean that. Total mileage was just under 29 miles, but that included some wrong turns and a few off-course exploring rides. This ride could easily be streched to 30-50 miles, and I think it’s safe to say we’ll be riding it again very soon. Hopefully next time we’ll see you there.
The more we get together, the happier we’ll be.
Being as I have moved to the St. Louis area, I suppose it’s time we established an East-side (of Missouri) Virtuesday tradition.
In addition to the weekly Thursday night ride, there will now be a gravel ride leaving from the Mound every Tuesday at 6:30. Distances and effort levels will vary, but the level of awesomeness will remain at a solid 10 out of 10…unless Chuck brings another flask of his homemade booze, in which case the Awesomeness will be elevated to 11 out of 10.
Tonight’s ride will be approximately 20 miles long at a moderate pace.
The only 2 requirements for these rides are as follows:
1.) If you’re a dickhead, don’t show up.
2.) We like to have a craft beer potluck after these rides, so bring a few bottles/cans of something to share with the group.
People of ALL fitness levels and body types are more than welcome to join us.
I would submit to you that there’s no greater form of cycling than Monstercross. Riding a quilted frankenbike across gravel, singletrack, grassy fields and (insert surface type here) is, in my opinion, as good as it gets.
On Black Friday of 2014, Dan Fuhrmann put together just such a ride. Links were posted, tape was hung and the party was in full swing. I think it’s worth mentioning that Dan accepted no money for his work, insisting that all he wanted was to “share this slice of heaven with as many people as possible.” What follows is a very brief description of the ride in hopes that you’ll be there next year.
Pulling into the parking area, I was surprised and pleased to see Travis had made it, along with Jim Phillips and a whole slew of strong, fast cyclists.
The ride started out on a bit of dirt road along the Piney River, which was incredible. The pace was brisk, but I did manage to chat with Travis for a few minutes before my first mechanical of the day.
A dropped chain early in the ride had me off the back quicker than usual, but I did eventually end up riding with Ron Chinn and Shawn Bleiler. Ron was obviously the strongest in our group, but he didn’t rub it in too bad.
The gravel eventually gave way to some double track/atv paths and was an absolute blast. There were plenty of mud/water holes and a lot of sandy spots. I will confess I did some walking, but that’s only because I’m a raging fatass. All of the roads/trails were rideable and very fun.
At one of the gravel/pavement intersections I saw a bit of animal bone that could not have been from a deer:
…and a few feet from there I spotted what I presumed to be a poached black bear’s hide.I would later learn from Shawn this was actually a legally-killed feral hog. If I’d only had racks on my bike I could’ve gathered the pelts and made a pair of ass-less chaps for Casey.
^^Look at the fat layer on that thing! –(TWSS)
The ride was full of kickass scenery and jeep-trails. I couldn’t help but wonder how Dan found all of this stuff and laced it together into such a great ride.
Not having ridden much leading into this weekend, I was a little bit smoked when I finally rolled into the Elbow Inn Bar and BBQ Pit, but a fried pork tenderloin sandwich and Stag beer had me refueled in no time. As always, greasy bar food after a hard day on the bike is pretty amazing. I have to say this was a fantastic ride and I would have been a fool to miss out on it.
But the real fun hadn’t even started, because as soon as this ride was over I was in the truck on the way To Sutton’s Bluff for a bikepacking weekend with Luke and Dave. More on that later.
This past Groundhog Day weekend, I had the unexpected honor of being invited to the annual Jim Davis GROUNDHOG weekend. Details of the event were sketchy, save for being given the location and being told to bring camping gear, a boat and a bicycle. This was definitely gonna be my kind of trip. With the pending ice/snowstorm, there was a liberal amount of “spirited conversation” between the wife and I about the safety of driving, but eventually she came to realize I’m not a fan of common sense. And so it was with great determination and forgetting most of my gear that I eventually hit the road for the 2 hour trip to Sutton Bluff, Missouri.
I wouldn’t call the drive perilous, but I certainly wouldn’t want to re-live it any time soon. I can’t confidently say how much time it took to get to the campground, but I can say it took 4 coffee refills and one bag of cheddar popcorn. Needless to say, I was happy to roll into the campground around 1130 that night. The rest of the group was already tucked away in their cars/tents, so I got my hammock hung and called it a night. We were camped only about 20 feet from the river, so I had an excellent night of sleep listening to the water. It doesn’t get much better than that.
Waking up the next morning, I realized I’d forgotten my kayak and paddle. Probably not the best way to enjoy a float trip, eh? Undeterred, Dan and I drove into the Metropolis that is Lesterville, and after chatting it up at the local gas station were introduced to a man who rented kayaks. I paid him $40, promised to bring his boat back, and the day was saved. We grabbed some coffee and headed back to camp.
It rained all weekend, so Jim’s tent/canopy thing was very handy. We put our boats in the water, made sure we had all the necessary provisions, and began what would be an excellent adventure.
The Black River is hands-down the clearest river I’ve ever paddled. It was absolutely fantastic. The temps were probably around 35-40(?) with no wind and a light
fog, so conditions were very ideal.
One thing I never really considered is that a sit-on-top kayak allows water to crash into the your lap, effectively turning the seat into an ass/testicle freezer. I think we’d been on the water for all of 30 minutes when I took a wave over the side and got “marinated”. Another little tidbit I failed to realize is that rainproof does not equal waterproof. In retrospect, wearing rainproof pants over denim jeans was pretty damn stupid.
****I can’t figure out how to make that video play slower.
But why would I dwell on frozen testicles when there was so much beautiful scenery to absorb? The water was crystal clear, Pockets of ice lined our surroundings and I was among friends. Friends with beer.
Jim spoke at great length about the upcoming Ozark Trail 100, a point-to-point mountain bike race he’s planning later in the year. He’s got a lot of passion for the race, which will be used as a fundraiser for GORC. I don’t know if I’ll ever be man enough to finish that race, but I think I’m gonna try it anyway.And apparently there’s an app on my phone that combines photos automatically..which resulted in this super-creepy photo of Dougan with a little mini-Dan sitting in his lap:
A bald eagle was sighted and we all sat stupefied in our boats watching. Nobody even took a photo. I guess it was one of those “had to be there” moments. Either way, it was pretty awesome.
Throughout the day, I got to see Dan and Jim both flip their boats for various reasons. Neither was captured on video, but I assure you both were hilarious.
As with all things awesome, the paddle seemed to be finished all too soon. With falling temps and only 2 dry asses out of the 5 dudes, we decided to return the boat and head for the campfire.It took quite a while, but I finally got my socks dried out:
Around the time darkness fell, the freezing rain had gathered intensity to the point of ridiculousness. Dan and Pierce decided to head for home, while Drew, Jim and myself stayed for one more night in the woods. Leaving was probably the smart thing to do, but I just couldn’t do it.
I can remember sitting there by the fire and just really feeling like I’d been part of something special. The river, the cold temps, the scenery..all of it had culminated into such a kickass experience, and I was reminded that this is why I love adventure racing. I couldn’t care less about victories or split-times or any of that bullshit; I love the experience of getting out there and doing something I’ve never done before. The whole day had been like a Beer/Viagra commercial, and it had only cost me gas money and $40 for a kayak rental.
I think the last time I spent $40 on something I loved this much was my 3rd date with Cara, when we went to see Transformers.
Does one of your teammates have a face that just makes you want to smash it with a fist? For us, that’s Adam.
Have you ever known a guy that just gets on your last nerve all the time? That’s Adam.
Would you rather ride 100km alone on a trainer staring at a brick wall than ride some sweet single track with a certain person? Yup. That’s Adam.
If you’ve been a Virtusite for more than a day or two, then you may know how much we hate our teammate Adam. He has been fired from the team innumerous times, he is the butt of endless jokes, and he just can’t seem to do anything right. Seriously, if you tried to make a worse teammate than Adam, you couldn’t do it. He’s just that horrible.
Adam Laffoon turned 40 years old today!
To honor him on his birthday, we thought we should set the record straight. It seems like too many people don’t know how we truly feel about Adam. For those that don’t know how the non-stop firing of Adam got started, I’ll fill you in.
The one and only Tenacious D has a bit on one of their albums about firing a band member. I don’t even remember when it was, but it was very early in Adam’s adventure racing career when Bob and I jokingly used the same bit and fired Adam from the team. And for whatever reason, it stuck.
Ever since then, every time Adam does something wrong (or even when he does something right), he gets fired from the team. Hell, even if someone else screws up, Adam is the one who gets fired. And it doesn’t even matter if he’s never been re-hired to the team. He still gets fired. It has become Team Virtus’s running gag and somewhat of a tradition.
But that’s all it is: A gag, a goof, a joke. You see, we fucking LOVE Adam Laffoon. And since he has officially become a distinguished gentleman at the age of 40, it’s about time the whole world knows how much we love him.
The truth is, Adam is a fantastic teammate. He never complains (even when I get us lost… a lot). He’s always willing to do what’s best for the team. He obviously has a great sense of humor since he puts up with so much ridicule. He’s strong in all disciplines, and he definitely makes us a better, stronger team. He’s a true Virtusan through and through.
As great as Adam is at being a teammate, he’s an even better friend. I know that if I got stuck on the side of the road in a downpour at 3:00 AM and needed help, Adam would be there. If I needed help moving, Adam would be the first to volunteer. If I broke my leg and needed a sponge bath… Well, I’d probably ask my wife. But you get the idea. He’s the kind of friend we’re lucky to have.
I’m proud to call him my teammate and even more proud to call him my friend.
With that said, for Adam’s birthday, we all decided that he has been…
PERMANENTLY RE-HIRED TO THE TEAM.*
That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. You read that correctly. Adam is now, and forever will be, a Virtusan** And nobody can take that away from him.***
So please join us in wishing Adam a happy 40th birthday today. Leave him a happy birthday wish as a comment here on the blog or on our facebook page. Let him know that you, too, love him. Happy birthday, Adam!
*Unless he does something stupid again at which time he will be fired.
**And by forever we mean until he is once again fired.