Category Archives: Nonsense and Tomfoolery

3rd Time’s the Charm – Team Virtus Takes on the Dirty Kanza 200 Again

I feel lost. I don’t really know what the hell I’m going to do with myself this weekend as my fellow Virtusans set forth on a mission to finish The Dirty Kanza 200. I will sadly, for various reasons with which I won’t bore you, not be in attendance this year. I feel like I should be there as part of the support crew, but I just can’t make it happen this year.

Buffalo Penis over Robby's head.

So many great memories have been made at DK over the last few years.

Finishing DK two years ago alongside Bob and Adam was one of the highlights of my supremely mediocre (at best) racing career. Last year, my heart wasn’t into it, and it showed when I pulled out at the 108 mile mark. I doubt I’d have finished anyway because the wind was horrible, but both Robby and Casey crushed it last year.

finish line of DK 200

I was so proud of Casey and Robby. What an unbelievable effort to have finished in that effing wind last year!

Unfortunately, Kate hasn’t quite been able to finish this beast of a race. Two years ago she made it 165 miles after getting into the race with just a few weeks to train for it. Last year she succumbed to the wind as so many others did. This year, however, she’s more than ready. Barring a serious mechanical or severe weather (both very real possibilities), Kate is going to finish this fucker this year. No doubt in my mind.

And to make sure Kate finishes, I apparently gave her some extra motivation a few months back. I don’t exactly remember how this all came about, but both Bob and Kate assure me that this happened. Somewhere in an email conversation or facebook chat or maybe even in a face to face conversation, I said if Kate finished the DK this year, I’d be at the finish line in…

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

… Nothing but a jock strap.

What the hell was I thinking?! It’s not that I’m betting against her at all, because that would be a foolish thing to do. In fact, it isn’t a bet at all since Kate owes me nothing if she fails to finish (which ain’t gonna happen anyway).

It’s just that I know how much pleasure we all get out of embarrassing each other, and when the going gets tough – and it will get tough – Kate will keep going, knowing that my utter humiliation is in her hands. And I honestly can’t remember how those words ever came from my mouth or keyboard, but I guess they did. I’m such an idiot.

Unfortunately, as I mentioned before, I won’t be in attendance. So all of the wonderful people at the finish line will be spared from seeing me nearly naked. In lieu of being at the finish line in a jock strap, Kate has agreed to accept a photo posted to our facebook page instead. So, that’s gonna be a treat for everyone.

As much as I don’t want to have to post that photo, I truly want Kate to finish Dirty Kanza this year. I hope all of them – Kate, Bob, Adam, and Travis – finish the race and have a great time. I’m just bummed I won’t be there to see it all go down. And I’ll be even more bummed when I have to post that stupid photo.

So, to my Virtus brothers and sister, good luck, ride strong, and have fun! Strength and Honor to you all.

Running for (or away from) Tramp Stamps

In case you missed it over the last few weeks, Bob has become a runner.  Since coming clean about his current condition in one of this site’s most open and honest posts, Bob has turned a new leaf.  Sure he’s started over before and had ups and downs.  So have I.  Haven’t we all?  It’s called life, people.

But this time, Bob seems different.  He seems ready to make lasting change.  In mid-June he set a goal of running 50 miles by August 15th.  But that bar was set way too low.  He completely smashed it by hitting 50 miles on Monday, July 15th (congrats, Dude!).

Instead of celebrating his victory and going back to his old ways, though, Bob upped the ante by doubling down, so to speak.  He vowed to run a total of 100 miles by August 15h.

 Stretching before running

Bob stretching before his run. Who knew excessive running leads to hair loss?

Bob’s confidence must have been quite high when he wrote that post, because he said he was willing to take on a bet.  It probably comes as no surprise, but Bob and I have a hard time turning down bets like this.  And I’m sure you all know how our last bet turned out:

Gold Speedo

Kate looks creeped out, Bob looks terrified, and I look like I’m so happy I’m not wearing a gold Speedo.

I was truly happy that Bob was achieving so much success, and after reading about Bob’s new challenge,  I was very inspired as well.  And I knew exactly what I had to do.

So without thinking, I said I could double his mileage.

Between July 14th and August 15th, I will need to run twice as many miles as Bob does.  After agreeing to some rules (all runs have to be posted so the other person knows the total at all times being the main one), we were all set… Except we didn’t know what the stakes were.  So we turned to all the Virtusites on Facebook for some ideas (yet another reason to like us on facebook – you get to play choose your own adventure with idiots).

So right now, the loser of this bet will have to get a Henna Tattoo on his lower back.  The tattoo will contain the winner’s name worked into a design chosen by the winner.  That’s right, one of us will be sporting a temporarily permanent Tramp Stamp, and I can guarantee you there will be photos… And video.  So stay tuned for that.

And to add insult to injury, Bob didn’t think that was enough.  After throwing around some ideas (one of which would have been awesome but too offensive even for us), we settled on having the loser race in Pink Panties at the Thunder Rolls Adventure Race on August 24th.  You know, to show off the beautiful Tramp Stamp.

If you want to track our progress, you can follow along right here.  Bob is taking this shit very seriously, and I’m pretty sure I’m doomed.  But it will be great motivation for both of us, and it will help get me ready to pace my brother Zack at the Leadville 100 Trail Run on August 17th!!!  How cool is that?

So… Tell us who you think will win?  Me?  Or Bob?

Push It! P-P-P-Push It Real Good!

Does anyone remember the original Super Century and the Super Century II? Yeah, well so do I, and my taint will never forget them.  And we fully admit that they were terrible ideas.  But we here at Team Virtus are a bit warped, and for whatever reason, we are drawn to stupid ideas.  Our friends over in Australia, The Tuesday Night Parmas, have presented a challenge that is just stupid enough for us.

It’s the Tour de France Push Up Challenge.  The idea is simple: For every Kilometer in each stage of the TDF, you do one push up.  That’s it.  Simple, right?  And for those that don’t want to convert miles to Kilometers, here is a list of the Kilometers for each stage: Clicky-Click.

Tour De France Push Up Challenge

I know it’s short notice since the Tour starts tomorrow, but I thought some of you might want to participate.  There really are no rules.  Knee-push-ups are acceptable if you must (Laffoon).  There are also no prizes… Other than a great sense of pride and rock-hard pecs.

big pecs from the tour de france push up challenge

So seriously, you want to join in on the “fun”, right?  Our friends over at Team TOG are even doing it.  I haven’t heard if the WTFAR boys are brave enough, but I highly doubt it – especially since Todd is a girly Packers fan.

So, there you go.  If you see any of us over the next couple of weeks, please don’t poke us in the chest.  We’ll be very sore.  Tomorrow kicks off with 213 push ups!  Ouch!

In the darkness with “The Darkness”


These days it seems like everybody’s too busy (or broke) to get out and race, and even when we do,we’re too busy afterwards to blog about it. With the recent shortage of quality posts, it occurs to me that our blog is quite idle. So while the following story isn’t my best work and doesn’t recount a race or something truly athletic..I think it’s worth talking about.

Due to a staffing issue in November/December, I was working just about everyday. So when I got a day off..I was going outside. On one such day, I was fortunate enough to have the same day off as my good friend Robby Brown, (aka The Darkness). This called for immediate action, so we made plans for an epic man-trip into the woods. Pretty exciting stuff if you ask me.

Prepping our gear at the trailhead, it was obvious that Robby had enough food and beer for the two of us.


These woods are mostly foreign to Robby, save for the portion we used at Cedar Cross last year. It was fun to show off some of the cool landmarks I’ve found over the last 2 years, like this man-eating sinkhole.


Hiking at a spirited pace, it took us about 40 minutes to reach the evening’s campsite. With an already-built fire ring and easy access to Cedar Creek, this is one of my favorite places to camp. We built the fire, emptied our beer cans and ate peanuts while the rest of the world dreaded going to work the next day. Many, many stories were told around the campfire and maybe even a few we should’ve kept to ourselves.


In honor of Luke’s absence, I took a “stream photo” of Robby.  Don’t ask.

The beers were flowing like wine and our spirits were high:


Sitting next to the fire, the moon was so bright we didn’t even need headlights. The wind was non-existent, so the flames and smoke all went straight up; it was pretty awesome if I do say so.


Eventually we fell asleep,


With the bottle still in my hand. Dad would be proud

and when morning came, it was to the tune of 2 well-deserved hangovers.


Seems like it would’ve been a good idea to pack some water with all that beer..

Hiking out, I showed Robby a few places that may or may not be part of the CAC2.


Todd Garrison will never find this rock ledge.

As we all know by now, the Cedar Creek trail is home to several trails that are not on the map. Typically, these trails begin and end at the same place, so when Robby and I got temporarily separated, (opposite sides of a creek), I told him to just keep hiking and eventually our paths would cross again.


As my trail ascended a large hill, his cut across a low-lying creekbed several hundred feet away and then branched left. By the time I realized I was on a trail completely foreign to me, Robby was nowhere to be seen.


Ok….where am I???

The trail I had taken came to an end in someone’s driveway. Seriously. I spoke with a man who happened to be standing in his yard, and he sent me on my way to the truck. I was only off by a couple hundred yards, and while it was exciting to find a new trail, I was somewhat concerned that Robby might take a wrong turn and never be seen again.

I got to the truck first and waited for about 5 minutes before I let myself panic. Leaving my gear in the truck, i got a drink of water and started running the trail. About 2 miles later I still hadn’t found him. That meant he was either back at the truck or halfway to Boydsville. Not really good news either way. Since I don’t own a cell phone, I had no way of calling him….until I ran across a pair of horseback riders.  I borrowed a phone from one of them and scrambled to the top of the nearest hilltop.

Robby: Hello?

Me: Robby, hey where are you?

Robby: I’m sitting at the truck waiting on your ass.

So, I ‘spose I did a bit of unnecessary trail running, but it worked itself out in the end.  Gotta love the Cedar Creek trail. 🙂

Follies at Ray’s Indoor MTB Park

It might take me awhile to express how amazing our weekend at Ray’s Indoor MTB Park truly was.  Even when I get around to writing about it, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to describe just how much fun we had – kidnapping Bob, the laughs, the road trip, the jokes, the great food, the laughs, the new nicknames, the laughs, and of course the riding.  It was a weekend by which all other weekends will be measured, and in measuring, all other weekends will pale in comparison.

In the meantime, however, here is a video of some of our “outtakes” from Ray’s.  Just remember, this video doesn’t even compare to how it really was, but you can tell we had a blast… even when we were screwing up (which we did A LOT!).  Enjoy…


As you can see, there were no videos of Kage crashing her bike.  That’s because her skills are far superior to ours… Or it’s because she is a crash ninja and only crashed when no one was there to witness it.  You decide.

I’d like to thank my teammates for joining the celebration of Bob’s upcoming wedding.  It couldn’t have happened without you guys.

And I’d like to tell Bob that we really do love you, man.  Seriously.  Good luck in your new life.  Please don’t forget us.  We’ll never forget you… And we’ll never forget this weekend.

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