Category Archives: Upcoming Races

CAC Attack!

As Bob noted in his last post, the best adventure non-race in the world, Carnage at the Creek (CAC), will happen again in 2013.  We aren’t quite sure on the date yet, but we’ll keep you posted on that front.  What I want to share with you today, though, is pretty disturbing.

It has come to our attention that our beloved CAC had come under a vicious and unprovoked attack.  No, I’m not kidding.  And I know what you’re thinking:

But how could this be?

Who would possibly attack a CAC that has given so many people pleasure?

I thought everyone loved CAC.

Well, that’s what we thought too.  But take a look at this:

Clearly, Todd from Whiskey Tango Foxtrot has some issues with the 2012 version of the CAC.  I’d like to defend my CAC since it is so precious to me.  So please watch the video above and then read my point-by-point rebuttal below.

Point 1: The Hike-a-Bike Section – This section may not have been “fun.”  I can admit that.  However, there are always parts of every adventure race where you think, “This sucks.  I’m never doing this again.”  But then you look back at it later and realize it was awesome… Unless you’re a wimpy Packers fan like Todd is.

Point 2: Getting Lost On the Way to the Race – Out of all the racers, volunteers, and super sexy race directors – over 30 people in all – only two people got lost.  Can you guess who they were?  I’ll give you a hint: Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum.  That’s right, Brian and Todd. (And I love the fact that Todd risked his life for this shot.)

Point 3: Local Turkey Hunters – Well, there isn’t much to say about this one.  Yes, it was turkey season.  Yes, there was one disgruntled hunter.  But he was probably more irritated with the 200 Bushcrafters in the area that weekend.  Besides, it’s not like anyone was shot.

Point 4: Ticks in MO – Missouri isn’t the only state with ticks.  Maybe Todd had more than his fair share of ticks, but that’s understandable.  Everyone knows that Ticks are attracted to high levels of estrogen. (Todd’s rockin’ a sweet hat, by the way.)

Point 5: SuperKate Sleeps Like a Baby – Okay, I can’t really say anything about this one either.  I’ve heard her snore, and it’s amazing that such a delicate, little flower could produce such a horrendous sound.  Perhaps she’s developed sleep apnea in her old age.

Point 6: Proximity of Jefferson City to Iowa – Nothing I can do about this one.  Maybe if someone put on an adventure non-race in Iowa, we would travel to that hell-hole.

Point 7: Snakes – It’s common knowledge that snakes, like ticks, are attracted to estrogen.  (A very nice touch sitting on the toilet in this shot.)

Point 8: Bad Singletrack – I don’t get this one.  I think the singletrack is easy and fun, but I guess I have a basic understanding of how my bike works and at least a modicum of athletic ability.

Point 9: Half-Priced Beef – I ate this questionable meat, and it truly was delicious.  And I didn’t get sick.  Man up, Todd. (That brownie looked delicious in this scene.)

Point 10: Bob Jenkins and Lukas Lamb are Sick SOB’s – What can I say?  We tried to emulate the sickest, most sadistic race director we know – Gerry Voelliger.

Point 11: Smelly Rowboats – Coming from someone who lives in the middle of Iowa, a state most well-known for the stench of pig poop, this makes no sense.

Point 12: ??????? – There was no point #12, but don’t think I didn’t notice that hideous Cheese Head in this shot.  You’ll pay, Todd Garrison.  Oh, you’ll pay.

Porn Stache

I think this weak attempt at a stache is Todd’s way of compensating for lacking in other areas.

Obviously, all of Todd’s issues with our CAC are unfounded.  For the rest of you, don’t worry.  The CAC will be back sometime in April (probably) 2013.  It will be bigger, longer, harder, and, as Todd said, maybe even bushier.  Please don’t listen to Todd.  He clearly has a case of CAC-envy.

 

 

 

Berryman is almost here…and fun with hyperlinks

This needs to be on a belt buckle

Every year, hordes of AR badasses, (and people like us), flock to Southern Missouri for what has become the Midwest’s AR Superbowl: The Berryman Adventure Race. With names like Bushwacker, Alpine Shop and WEDALI, the list of registered teams is basically a list of “Who’s Who in AR.”   Speaking of team names, I’d have to say “Victorious Secret” is my current favorite. And I probably shouldn’t mention this, but it looks like “Awesome-Butt Girl” is racing this year.  Be excited, guys.

Drew riding Luke’s ass at Berryman

Bonk Hard Racing is a name synonymous with greatness, and everybody knows Berryman is the real deal.  Whether you win, lose or finish 2 hours and 45 minutes after the final time cutoff, you’re gonna go home with a sweet jacket and one hell of a campfire story. You’ll get your money’s worth, there’s no doubt about it.

And if your race doesn’t go as well as you’d planned, you can take comfort in knowing  there are coolers full of hot baked potatoes and cold beer waiting at the finish line.  Bonk Hard brings plenty of butter and sour cream, too. And seriously, what’s better than cold beer and hot potatoes after walking 13 miles in a pouring rain-storm?

Brooke and Ben. Trust me, they’re happier than they look.

Sadly, I don’t see the Snail Trail,  Hoosier Daddies or WTFAR listed anywhere, which is particularly disappointing since Todd won’t get to meet The Madness. Oh, what could have been..

Travis Hammons and I will be seeking redemption for our colossal failure at last year’s Berryman, and KG will be racing with her brother Jim as Team Hangover. I’m not sure of everyone else’s plans, but I’m fairly certain Adam has other plans.

So who else is going but hasn’t signed up yet?

Speedo Vote for The Thunder Rolls

So we need your help in a bad way. For those of you that have been living under a rock for the last few months, you may not be aware of “The Speedo Bet.” You see, I bet Bob that he could not eat 23 or more donuts at the Tour de Donut. Well, Bob only ate 18 donuts and he barfed, so I won the bet. Now the time has come for Bob to make good on that bet.

This weekend at The Thunder Rolls 24-Hour Adventure Race, Bob will have to wear a Speedo Bikini, and nothing but a Speedo Bikini, for one entire leg of the race (in addition to socks, shoes, backpack, etc.) Well, I finally got around to ordering Bob’s Speedo, and here it is:

Bob Jenkins Speedo

Now and forevermore, Bob shall be known as Goldmember

Simple, classic, understated, and yet so stunning. Don’t you think? I almost ordered him a thong, but then I realized that Kage and I were going to have to see him in this thing up-close and personal. So I opted for a traditional Speedo.

Anyway, I have not decided when Bob will wear the Speedo, and that’s where you come in. Please take just a moment to fill out the poll below. Your vote counts, so don’t be shy. And leave a comment with some words of encouragement for Bob.

This is serious business. Do you want Bob to bare most of his flesh while trekking through thorns, poison ivy, and stinging nettle? Or do you want him in nothing but a Speedo while biking over bumpy, gravel roads and thus destroying his taint? Or are you going to be nice and have him wear the Speedo at night on the paddling leg of the race where he will be mostly hidden by the canoe and life jacket?

The choice is yours. Choose wisely.

And be sure to check us out on Facebook and Twitter as we’ll be sure to post some photos and updates throughout the race this weekend.

Kicks in the Sticks is this weekend

At long last, a competitive trail run has made its way to Jefferson City. This weekend, the Kicks in the Sticks is going to happen and I’ll be there with my super-hot feyoncee, (yes, I spelled it wrong on purpose), on a quest for trail running glory. I fully plan to dominate the 30-39 y/o male  260+lbs category….if there is one. If there isn’t, I think all of us fatties should throw $5 in a hat and let the winner take all.

Who else is going?

Rumor has it our man Brandon Lepage will be making his triumphant return to the race scene, and it’ll be nice to see that guy again.

Red shorts make you faster

If you live in Jeff City/Columbia, there’s really no reason to miss this event.  Come on out and support local racing; if we’re lucky this will be the first of many. I’ve heard rumors of free beer at this race..

Can’t get this thing to blow up any bigger for some reason.

In case you can’t read the flyer, info can be found at www.kicksinthesticks.com and www.jeffcityrotaract.com .

Tetherball World Championship is this Month.

My friends, the hour is nearly upon us. In just 3 short weeks, Team Virtus will return to Camp Benson in hopes of  defending the Tetherball heavyweight crown. ESPN has yet to return my calls, but I’m sure there will be online coverage.

BLD vs BVW, circa 2010. This photo was used with the express written permission of the World Championship Tetherball Federation, (WCTF)

Oh yeah, and we’re also going to do a 24 hour race called the Thunder Rolls. Last time we tried this race, we did the 12 hour version and it was the hardest race I’ve ever done..by far. The scenery was amazing, but it’s hard to forget the endless thorns, stinging nettle and being blinded from some kind of pollen in my eyes. That race kicked our ass in every way.

Following Luke through the tallgrass. I’m pretty sure this is what got in my eyes.

Not to mention the longest, most awkward paddling leg of all time…followed by the longest, most horrific upstream pack-rafting leg in adventure racing history.

Does anyone remember how long this took?

But, we did get some pretty awesome North Face hoodies, some free Zanfel and a bottle of Boetje’s Mustard. Not to mention drunken dancing at a Rat Baxter concert with some of the local elderly ladies (read the Thunder Rolls Race Report here). I’d say that warrants a return visit, wouldn’t you? The good news is that Luke and Kate are in excellent shape, and I’m only about 40 pounds fatter than I was when we did the 12 hour race. That should balance us out pretty well, right?

Hey, at least we won’t be competing in the same division as Team Bushwacker, (Scott Fredrickson, y’all!!),  or Alpine Shop…Oh wait, yeah we are 

Look out, Kountry Kettle. We’re coming for you.

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