My taint already hurts as I type these words, and you know what that means. That’s right, boys and girls. The Super Century is here, so it’s once again time for us to put on our Bad Idea Jeans and destroy our taints in the name of stupid challenges.
You can find out how the Super Century all started right here, but if you’re too lazy to click that link, I’ll give you the general idea of what the Super Century is:
- What: a trainer ride of at least a metric century – 100 km (or 62 miles if you don’t want to do any mathematicizing)
- When: Super Bowl Sunday – February 2nd at 8:00 AM Central (a later start this year!)
- Why: Because we’re idiots and doing dumb stuff is fun… Sort of. And after the ride, we can eat whatever we want during the big game and not feel guilty.
- Who: Anyone who is dumb enough to do this, and if you’re reading this, then that means YOU!
- Where: Anywhere you want. You can do it alone or get together with a group.
- Other Options: Ride a metric century outside (although that’s not nearly as stupid); Do 100 or more pull ups; Ride the trainer for 100 minutes; Do 1000 bodyweight squats; Run 100 minutes; Some other stupid idea.
- Hashtags to Use: #SuperCentury; #BadIdeas; #MyTaintHurts
Be sure to hit us up on our facebook page and/or Tweet at us with the above hashtags so we can all “enjoy” everyone else’s suffering while we are deep inside our own pain caves. Post up photos, jokes, rants, videos or whatever else will entertain us and distract us from our own misery.
Also, I’d love to hear some recommendations on what movies or shows to watch during the Super Century. Winning choices from the previous two years are Step Brothers, Race Across the Sky, Ride the Divide, and The Big Lebowski. So please give us some ideas for what we should watch.
**Editor’s Note: This is obviously completely ripped off from Dr. Seuss’s “Oh, the Places You’ll Go!” So if you don’t like it, I blame Dr. Seuss. If you like it, then I take all the credit.**
Yesterday was our day.
We didn’t go places!
We didn’t ride away!
We had no helmet on our heads (unless you’re Casey).
We had feet in bike shoes.
No need to steer ourselves
any direction we choose.
We rode all alone or perhaps with some friends.
At the start we knew not what would happen to our rear ends.
Most of us rode trainers ’til our taints were quite numb.
Upon hearing of this, many said, “You’re crazy and dumb!”
With our helmetless heads and bike shoes full of feet,
We didn’t listen to others whose words were not neat.
I thought I may not find anyone
who would join in on this “ride.”
I was surprised, of course,
by how many obliged.
We did not ride out there,
in the wide open air.
Out there things can happen
and frequently do
but riding inside
can be the right thing to do.
And when taints started hurting,
we didn’t complain (too much).
We just rode right along,
and we ignored all that pain.
OH! THE PLACES WE DIDN’T GO!
Some of us did pull ups!
Some of us wore tights!
Some rode outside
Some did air squats just right.
No one lagged behind, because we all had the speed.
No one passed anyone, no one took the lead.
Some were faster than others and finished before the rest.
But none of that matters, since we all passed the test.
Not starting was the only way
to ruin a perfectly good day.
I’m sorry to say so
but, sadly, it’s true.
Some missed this for work.
Bob, I’m talking to you.
As the miles ticked by,
some of us wanted to cry.
And our butts, backs and knees.
Kept screaming, “Stop! Please!”
Did we stop? There’s no way!
This was Super Bowl Sunday!
Food and drink awaited,
and for that we were elated.
And when things got much worse
at roughly mile forty,
We wanted to curse
but we laughed kind of snorty.
We all came to a place where we wanted to stop.
For some that was early, for others it was not.
It was so nice to know that we were not alone.
Suffering together apart, so far from each others’ homes.
We did not need helmets. This was safe for our domes.
We needed many distractions as we pedaled our feet.
Thank goodness for texting, facebook, and Tweets!
Some fellow lunatics we have never met,
but I know we’d be friends. Don’t you think so? You bet!
We must meet up sometime when a meeting is set.
We had 13 states
who took part in this “race.”
Impressive, for sure, but I won’t hesitate
to tell you that we Americans are not the only fools.
Two other countries jumped in the stupidity pool.
Great Britain and India, isn’t that cool?
It was not all fun.
But we knew what to do.
We all just kept riding. Yes you, you and YOU!
We stopped here and there, what else could we do?
But we hopped right back on though we did not want to.
Sweat dripped from our brows, and our faces turned blue
But we just kept on going with our feet in bike shoes.
We just kept on going. What else could we do?
Waiting to reach the 62 mile mark
was painful and slow as our butts and knees barked.
Our spirits did wane and our drive had been took.
But then others finished according to facebook.
It was confirmed on Twitter after I took one more look.
People had done it! For real, it’s no lie.
62 on a trainer and nobody died.
But with 20 miles left, I wanted to cry.
That’s not for you!
Somehow we rode on
though it really sucked now.
I just wanted to stop,
to shower, sleep, and eat chow.
With the wheels still a-spinning
our taints could take no more.
Our movies had ended.
This chore was a bore.
Oh, the places we didn’t go! We just wanted to be done!
There are no points to be scored. This “race” could not be won.
Of all the wonderful things to do on a bike,
we stayed inside for hours, which I just did not like!
Pain! More pain in my ass there just couldn’t be,
I wanted to quit with no “Stepbrothers” on TV.
Except we just kept on going.
Because, sometimes, pain is the only way to keep growing.
For those riding solo
I don’t know how you stayed on your horse.
I rode with a friend, Aaron,
Adam was there too, and he was fired, of course.
My butt and my legs just couldn’t endure,
But wait just a minute.
Aaron had the cure.
Aaron took Casey’s bad idea and just made it worse.
He suggested doing sprints, and I wanted to curse.
But sprint we did, and, “Stop!” I would beg.
But the pain left my taint, and entered each leg.
With every sprint
my lungs nearly burst
My lips, they went dry.
I had a powerful thirst.
The sprints truly sucked,
but the monotony was done.
I still hated Aaron.
My God, that was dumb!
But my butt felt slightly better
Though it may have gone numb.
On and on we did bike
and we did not go far.
But we all had our reasons
whatever they are.
If you took part at all
I say thanks for your part!
We did this together
though many miles apart.
Whether you finished the full metric
century is moot.
You did something great
and got stronger to boot.
It doesn’t matter if you went far or fast.
We rode to nowhere, and we all had a blast. (Now that it’s over!)
And did you succeed?
Yes! You did, indeed!
If you took part at all, then it is guaranteed.
GUYS, WE RODE NOWHERE!
be your name Patrick or Kevin or Kathleen,
I hope in your chamois you did not crap your spleen.
We rode to no places!
Yesterday was our day!
Casey’s next bad idea is waiting.
To that… I say..
About a week ago, Casey called me up with a “great idea.” Now usually, Casey’s ideas are mediocre at best. Just have him tell you about his ideas for Saturday Night Live sketches if you have an extra 5 or 6 hours. This time, however, I think he had a pretty good idea. Here’s how it went down…
Casey: “Hey, man. Why don’t we all do a Metric Century (100 km = 62 miles) on our trainers on Super Bowl Sunday so we can eat whatever we want during the game?”
Me: “Uh… Because that sounds terrible.”
Casey: “I know.”
Me: “Uh… Sure. That sounds cool.”
And that was the end of it. I thought… But then the idea started to grow on me. Yes, riding outside is more fun. Yes, the trainer can be boring and painful. Yes, it will completely suck. Yes, our taints will be destroyed, and our minds will turn into a steaming pile of dog poo. But that can only help our minds and bodies prepare for the Dirty Kanza 200 and Cedar Cross, right? So… I’m in!
So on Super Bowl Sunday, February 5th, I’ll be getting up early to get a metric century in on my trainer. Casey will do the same thing in NY, so we’ll be suffering together, thousands of miles apart.
I’d love it if some others would join me. Maybe we can get together in someone’s basement, rent all of the
Twilight Die Hard movies, and suffer together for a few hours. I have to be at work at 11:30, so I’d like to get an early start. Maybe 6:00 AM? Is that too early for you? Well, too bad. It’s not like there’s ever a good time to start such a long trainer ride, is there?
I see this thing really taking off. I bet with the power of Team Virtus and our vast fan base, we’ll have people from all over the country joining us. And by “all over the country,” I mean at least MO and NY.
We’ll be doing live updates on Twitter and facebook, so be sure to check that out. And please tweet back at us or hit us up with a comment on facebook to give us encouragement or to heckle us. We’ll need it.
Don’t have a trainer? Beg, borrow, or buy one. Or you could do it the easy way and do a metric century outside. We’ll still count it. So, who wants to join me? Are you brave (crazy and stupid) enough?