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Just for Fun Friday – The Tether Ball World Championship Death Match that Never Happened Edition

Back in the Spring of 2011 at the High Profile Adventure Camp, Bob Jenkins rolled over anyone and everyone who stepped up to challenge him to a tether ball match.  The tournament culminated with a championship match between Bob and Brian of Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Adventure Racing.  It didn’t end well for Brian:

Tether Ball Death Match #1

Brian’s face got up close and personal with the ball as Bob struck the final, winning blow.

Ever since the total annihilation of Brian, there has been talk of a rematch.  It was supposed to go down at this year’s camp, but Team Virtus had a date with the LBL Challenge.  When we heard The Thunder Rolls Adventure Race would be held at Camp Benson, the same place the Adventure Camp is held, we knew that Bob would once again have to humiliate Brian.  This time, however, Bob would show no mercy.  He would sweep the leg if he had to, but there was no way he was going to lose to Brian.

Brian, being the cocky, arrogant SOB that he is, showed up to Camp Benson in this awesome t-shirt made by his awesome wife, Melanie:

Tether Ball Death Match T-Shirt

Not only is Brian’s wife talented, she has put up with Brian’s shenanigans for WAY too long.

Unfortunately, the tether ball poles at Camp Benson were just like Brian and Todd… Lacking balls.  We were all very disappointed, but we focused our energy on the 24-hour Thunder Rolls.  It was one helluva good race (read part one of our race report right here).

After suffering a severe scratch from a thorn and still managing to somehow survive the race, I began packing the Virtus Van the following morning for the long drive home.  That’s when Todd spotted my Wal-Mart bag full of the nastiest, skankiest, dirty race clothes you’ve ever seen.  He asked to borrow it, and I knew what was about to happen.

Dirty Laundry Tether Ball Death Match

Ingenuity at its finest!

Bob, being the champion that he is, offered the serve to Brian.  He slowly pushed the scum-ball towards Brian when Brian immediately (and illegally I might add) smashed the “ball” back at Bob with no warning.  Bob, with cat-like speed and reflexes, returned the serve, and the “game” was on.  After two or three hits, Brian tore a hole in the “ball” and my nasty laundry flew everywhere.

Bob was willing to try to find a replacement “ball” with which to continue the Death Match, but before he could do so, Brian quit and declared himself the winner (he’s gotten pretty good at this).  You can read Brian’s fictional version of this match right here.

Regardless of the lies you’ve heard, the Tether Ball World Championship Death Match (TBWCDM) never happened.  The “ball” was not a regulation ball, Brian used an illegal (and dirty) serve to start the non-regulation match, and then he quit before we could continue.  While it was a riot watching them bat at my smelly clothes like a couple of kittens hopped up on catnip, it was NOT a real match.  Even if it was a regulation match, which it was not, Brian didn’t win it anyway.  And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Tether Ball Death Match Final Hand Shake

Bob still showed his dominance over Brian in the post-non-match handshake.

There will be a true TBWCDM!  There must be a TBWCDM!  All of you Virtusites deserve some closure.  And Brian needs to be silenced… Just like he was last time there was a real match.

Brian after being destroyed at Tether Ball

Face smashed and flat on his back… Just like he’ll end up when there’s a REAL rematch.

Tetherball World Championship is this Month.

My friends, the hour is nearly upon us. In just 3 short weeks, Team Virtus will return to Camp Benson in hopes of  defending the Tetherball heavyweight crown. ESPN has yet to return my calls, but I’m sure there will be online coverage.

BLD vs BVW, circa 2010. This photo was used with the express written permission of the World Championship Tetherball Federation, (WCTF)

Oh yeah, and we’re also going to do a 24 hour race called the Thunder Rolls. Last time we tried this race, we did the 12 hour version and it was the hardest race I’ve ever far. The scenery was amazing, but it’s hard to forget the endless thorns, stinging nettle and being blinded from some kind of pollen in my eyes. That race kicked our ass in every way.

Following Luke through the tallgrass. I’m pretty sure this is what got in my eyes.

Not to mention the longest, most awkward paddling leg of all time…followed by the longest, most horrific upstream pack-rafting leg in adventure racing history.

Does anyone remember how long this took?

But, we did get some pretty awesome North Face hoodies, some free Zanfel and a bottle of Boetje’s Mustard. Not to mention drunken dancing at a Rat Baxter concert with some of the local elderly ladies (read the Thunder Rolls Race Report here). I’d say that warrants a return visit, wouldn’t you? The good news is that Luke and Kate are in excellent shape, and I’m only about 40 pounds fatter than I was when we did the 12 hour race. That should balance us out pretty well, right?

Hey, at least we won’t be competing in the same division as Team Bushwacker, (Scott Fredrickson, y’all!!),  or Alpine Shop…Oh wait, yeah we are 

Look out, Kountry Kettle. We’re coming for you.

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